Sunday, March 18, 2012

Wednesday January 31, 2007

Is it possible to have morning sickness for 2 months, have it go away for 4 then come back worse than ever?If so, that's what I have.The past few nights I keep waking up at 3am on the dot with this horrific pain right below my sternum that doesn't go away.It makes me break out in a clammy sweat,heart racing,stomach cramping,head pounding and leaves me practicing the lamaze breathing I never get to use in childbirth.I'm struck with hours of unnaturally, intestinal products( shall we say) and finally, to top it all off I'm literally thrown to my knees in front of the toilet and heaving for dear life, whether I have anything to produce or not.
I'm so exhausted by morning john can't wake me up so he's been tending to the girls while I'll be unconsious until 10 or 11 am.Then I'm up and fine like the past night never happened.Today i spent a few hours seperating the kids clothes by age and season so i know what they can wear now and what I'll be hanging  up in the new house come spring and summer.i had my own little praisefest going-the girls were helping me(Brianna handed things to Sierra,Sierra folded them and handed them to me to hang up or put away in boxes) and i had my old Rebecca St. james CD GOD blaring.It was wonderful!
Now i'm just multitasking: doing some blogging, listening to my music,reading email, working on my registries at Walmart and Bed bath and Beyond.

Tuesday January 30, 2007

Ya ever have that feeling when you haven't taken a hot shower in a couple days or your muscless are throbbing sore and you finally step into a hot massaging shower?That feeling of the water beating on your head and shoulders and back and the hot warmth that envelopes you? .....
My kids have been asleep for over an hour and except for the Tv droning on, it's quiet.I'm having that hot shower feeling.

Tuesday January 30, 2007

I had a really nice past couple days with john.The girls of course had their moments when they were either really good or trying our very last nerves, but I think we handled it pretty well.I was especially impressed with John-he never lost his temper, was very patient and seemed to be so strong and positive when we went to tell his family about our plans to buy a house in WV instead of rent and they basically shot every negative comment,question and attitude towards him.Their ignorance towards him and favoritism toward his brother never cease to amaze and anger me.
i mean, John really tries in everything he does.He's a faithful hard worker,doesn't accept lame excuses to miss a day of work,tithes,prays, saves and  generally enjoys spending time with the kids and me.You can see for the longest time all he wanted was peace between me and his mom and his parents support and approval with the decisions he's made in his life...but he never gets it.Glimpses here and there but they are few and far between.
Now, he's come to the realization it might never be that way. For some reason his mother will always be suspicious,resentful and miserable, his dad will always be passive and indifferent and his grandmother will never be able to make up her mind and keep her word when she gives it.And, his brother will always be the slacking favorite for some reason.My theory?Even though neither of her sons have done exactly what she's planned for their lives, Jamie is the one who still is there to be babied and dependent on her, giving her some sick sense of purpose.John has grown up,taken responsibility for his and our life and has become a successful man despite doing things the complete opposite of how his mom planned it to go.Jamie's plan for adulthood? To become a street magician.
Stop laughing, I'm serious.
And what's more is although he went to Europe for 2 weeks for his senior trip, he's paying over $2G to go again this year with the new seniors.Don't ask me how or why, but all i know is I'm pretty sure his mom didn't make him feel like he was being put on trial when he asked for the money(despite the fact they are all supposed to be moving in the next couple months,his dad is trying to afford to make expensive home improvements to sell the house, and 3 out 4 family members are dying from one thing or another and his family is supposedly so broke.)yet that's exactly what they did to john when all he wanted to ask was see if they'd agree to be co-signers should we need someone else's signature to buy the house.they pegged all the "where you gonna work?", "How do you expect to pay...", "Your aunt says there are no jobs down there..." type questions at him...all questions regarding money or putting down our ability to keep them from picking up the slack for us should we fail to pay something...I dunno.It just really ticks me off, then they had the nerve to start in on my family."What if your dad doesn't use his discount to let you get the house you want on his lot?" "How do you know your mom is gonna give you half the land once it's paid off?" "Is it gonna be in your name?" "Is it all legit?"
Ok, my family may be screwed up but they aren't liars and thieves.that's you guys.
I give up, I really do.I don't want anything to do with these people anymore.I don't want my children to have anything to do with them.They didn't want them before they were here, they kiss a relationship with them now goodbye.
They bring so much grief into our lives and they're about nothing but money, so as far as I'm concerned (as horrible as this sounds)that is all they are to me from now on.I've tried to be friendly and I've tried to be family.Now, they can go jump in a lake and as far as I'm concerned ; they are only good for the 1 thing they care about- money.they are the rich mean grandparents that I look forward to getting away from and waiting on to hear there is a possibility of something for the kids from them in the wills.I have had it.

Friday January 26, 2007

You know, there are days when it's so loud and chaotic here I can't stand to be here.I get debilitating stress pain in my shoulders and neck that works it way up into full blown migraines where I'm fighting not to throw up-which would only intensify the migraine and continue the cycle.I get no breaks or naps from 11:30am til 8:30pm, I have no friends or family that stop by and visit just to remind me there is life beyond these paneled walls.I'd give anything to be able to drop my girls off to someone's house-anybody's house- guilt and worry free.And then I get a second to check the news that comes to my email, and I'm reminded why I am here and how I'm justified in my paranoia.
I'll spare you the graphic details.If you wanna read the heartwrenching story yourself, you can here:
Suffice it to say at least 12 children were sexually abused-including an infant as young as 3 months old- over a period of 10 years.And here's the clincher: some neighbors were not only  NOT shocked, but suspected it!So call me goofy, but WHY IN THE BLUE .... DIDN'T SOMEONE DO SOMETHING??!!!NOTHING sets me off faster than people either abusing children or knowing about it and doing nothing. I was emotionally abused for years, if not mentally as well, and those who knew did nothing and those who didn't know suspected nothing.I praise God for forgiveness and healing; I can't imagine sexual abuse and what these precious babies went through and are dealing with now because no one cared.My heart is breaking.Absolutely breaking.
Right now, Sierra is dressed up as Cinderella and spinning in circles with a diaper-only Brianna to the tune of "Patty CakePatty cake".I think I'll join them, holding extra tight to their little hands.

Thursday January 25, 2007

I.    NEED.     SLEEP.
Even though John and I have both been working very hard to research homes in West Virginia, I have to pat my own back (and rub my own temples) for the tireless effort that I'm trying so hard to put forth.It may seem neglectful to the house, but I have spent the hours of 10am-1am the next day since Tuesday searching,researching,contacting agents, doing the math and making notes.I break only to cook meals,grab the mail, change diapers and lay Brianna down for her nap.i even have Sierra helping me pick out homes online-she likes the ones with virtual tours.
I'm trying so hard to make this a fun adventure she'll want to look forward to instead of fearing.Now if i could only explain to her the house won't be lonely when we leave because we're giving it to a nice family who doesn't have a home of their own.I  wish that were true, but in resort town NJ, most likely  it'll be some fat old rich couple buying their 2nd or 3rd vacation home for some insane price.


Wednesday January 24, 2007

2 Things changed this week:
1)We were gonna wait to tell the inlaws about Johnathan Jayden, but it's been to hard on John.You can see he wants to tell his family although we never hear a good thing from them.Well, we did on Sunday.He told his dad by saying, "Guess what"?
"Ri's pregnant."....yup.
Then he told his mom who only had to say,"When it due?". He told her, "It's a boy due in May "and she said, "How do you know"?
"Ri's 6 months along".......Nothing.
Then he told his brother- the emotional zombie.When he didn't say anything john's like, "well"?
"What do you want me to say?"
"Most normal people say, 'Congratulations'".
"Oh, Congrats then."
Of course his grandmother called around 10pm with all her"worries and concerns"..aka guilt, fear seeds and ranting ramblings.She did his best to shut her up but I was hot and tried to take the phone, but he wouldn't let me.I'm madder at her because i actually tried to have a heart to heart w/ her about how i feel with the way his family responds to our baby news and she was all sensitive and caring and sorry.Crap.That's what it all was-pure crap.

2)We planned on renting when we got to WV, but we're thinking about trying to buy a place until the land gets paid off and then we can sell the old house to pay for the new house...or some variation thereof.I dunno.My head hurts, but I'm trying to stay positive.I wish John was here now.I don't feel like being alone right now.Must be a hormonal surge.

Tuesday January 23, 2007

Thank you Jesus, I'm back online!
I've been separated from the rest of the world for almost 3 weeks I think.So much has been going on- I have so much to catch up on.But first things first-always the good news first.
that's our son!!!
We had another ultrasound 2 weeks ago on Monday and we discovered we're having a son!!!This is major because having a son on both sides of our  family is very hard.For some reason john and I are genetically programmed to have all girls, but our firstborn son(Johnathan Jayden- no,not J.J. or Jr.) will be here sometime near the 24th of May!
John put in for his time off today and we'll be taking 10 days near the end of February into March to go down to WV and look for a home to rent.
My mom's sentencing was on the 19th of January at 1:30pm.I couldn't sleep the night before and prayed all day long with her on mind.When she finally called i was a nervous wreck and ended up a total mess in tears.All  the sweet letters that were written on behalf of my mom brought her lawyer to tears and they and the Lord-nothing else but God- touched the judge because after a half hour or so he sentenced her to pay fines and court costs in the amount of $350!!!We were going for probation with fears that the costs and fees would break her, but this is SO much better!Praise GOD!!!!
Now, going through my own trials....
I've been stressing a lot because we really really  need a new car-a minivan or hybrid SUV in a perfect world-to accommodate our new family.We absolutely can't afford one straight out (unless God blesses us with the funds out of the clear blue sky), and financing or taking a bank loan isn't an option because moving to WV pay is lower(due to cheaper living conditions than NJ) and we could never repay a NJ debt on a WV income.So we're stuck and I'm stressed.
On top of everything else,I've been battling with Advanced Anesthesia since July or August.In a nutshell, they want $2300 for my C-section for Brianna.I dunno whether they are jerking me around or not, but they needed my insurance info which I gave 3 times and they claim the insurance has never heard of me.The insurance has said the claim was never processed in time but that they would take care of it once I collected the info needed from the bill people.(Why I had to play middle man to 2 large companies, I'll never know.Haven't they ever heard of conference calls or speakerphone???)
Anyhoo, now I'm dealing with a collection agency and it's not my fault.Had I the money I'd have paid the thing as soon as it came, or at least paid the 25 % we owed first.But that's not how it goes supposedly- insurance goes first then we pay what's left.Somebody is jerking me around and I'm in no frame of mind or condition to be dealing with the stress like I have been for so long.Please keep me and this whole mess in your payers- that God's will be done and He fix this whole mess.
On lighter notes....
yay potty!!
Brianna has been officially been introduced to the potty.Last week she sat on the infamous Cushy tushie seat on the potty and actually tinkled!! Later she wandered in there naked and peed in front of the potty- it broke my heart that she was so close, but I had no idea she was in there or I'd have put her on the potty!
She and I have been really close lately.She snuggles and kisses and hugs me so much-it's like she doesn't want anyone else.It's sweet and I really like it except when I am trying to do something that requires me to have my arms free.Plus I've been dealing with migraines and aches lately and it's hard to carry and hold her all the time- plus just as she was beginning to wean herself, she went back to it full force.My chest HURTS and I actually hate nursing her right now, but i do cause I can't say no.It's not her fault and she doesn't understand.
don't mess
Sierra is a handful to say the least.Some days she, SUCH a handful it's really hard to like her.I know that's the worse thing a mom can think of her kid but it's true.I'm completely isolated here and when my mom and john are at work and Crystal can't be reached I'm so lonely I could just die.Then take away my Internet and I had NOTHING to do but clean, pack and organize.My house was  immaculate but my patience was nil, my body was broken and my heart was too.I can't wait to be around people again, even if they are total strangers.I'll make friends if it kills me and i hear WV'ers aren't as ignorant as the "neighbors" I have here.They help you and talk to you like in the movies.All friendly and stuff.
Thank Jesus for this road trip coming up next month.We REALLY need it around here!

Friday January 5, 2007

Random thoughts going through my head today:
I really don't want the World to get worse.It's scary.I mean, I'm looking forward to the Lord's return like you wouldn't believe, but why do things have to get worse?Wouldn't it be nicer if they got better and better, kinda like cleaning up the house before company arrives?
Why are most girls so petty?I mean, I'm female and the only time I really go off is when a)something has been building inside me over time and I feel like I can't or am not allowed to let it out sooner, or b)when some huge injustice or sacrilegious event takes place and no one seems to care.It just seems like whenever a female gets her feelings hurt, she either harps on it for months or years even or she drops the "offender" altogether like they are able to be that easily deleted from the female's life- maybe they are easily deleted.In that case, the offender must not have meant that much to the female to begin with.Oh well, like Jada Pinkett-Smith said on Tyra(no laughing!) not everyone is meant to go on to the next level with you.So either get on board or get off!
I'm really getting tired of this sciatic pain in my left leg.I'm used to it occurring during pregnancy, but usually not until the 8th or 9th month!I'm only 5 and half or so months along and I can barely walk.Seriously, folding clothes yesterday was like standing with and axe embedded in my left derriere cheek.The pain is sharp and twingy and crippling.Oh well, ceste la vie!
What is up with my daughters?!All Sierra wants to do all day is eat.Literally, as soon as the last piece of whatever she is eating is in her mouth, she's mumbling how she wants something else.It's getting alarming, especially since whether I give in and feed her all day or not she NEVER eats her dinner.Go figure.And Brianna- dear Lord in Heaven- she's developed her version of holding her breath to get her way--- she screams, gets down on her knees and bangs her head on the floor 2 or 3 times.Funny thing is john and I never give in, so I have no idea where she came up with this, or why she continues it?
Ever notice how when you really want something you can't have, it pops up everywhere?Like for instance, I'm REALLY wanting to get that minivan and all week all I see are minivans-mainly on my street.I live in an "old people" neighborhood, so there is no excuse for all these hobo senior citizens to be cruising in vans.
Speaking of old people, I used to really think they were adorable, but I'm quickly changing my mind(at least regarding the ones around here).They are rude, petty,snobby and lately, have been throwing their trash in our yard and the dog shreds it everywhere.So far, we've received soda bottles,candy boxes,cardboard boxes,mylar balloons, used tampons, denture glue boxes, napkins, microwave dinner boxes, and turkey carcasses with saran wrapped baked beans stuffed inside.
Ahhhh, my head feels much lighter.

Wednesday January 3, 2007

I know a lot of people still look at New Year's the way I did as a kid- a brand new start, a fresh beginning full of excitement,new adventures and problems to hopefully overcome better than the previous year.
Ignorance is bliss.
With each coming year, I feel like a spiritual Richter Scale...feeling out the tremors and pains the Earth vibes out to us as warnings of God's nearness of return.Some may see terrorist attacks as just a bunch of loonies getting their horrible 15 minutes so as not to be forgotten or power trippers or control freaks...I see them as terrible components of God's plan and obvious signs proving the truth in God's Word, albeit, unwanted and dreaded components.
Take today for instance.I received a news email that Pat Robertson heard from the Lord that there will be a mass killing in the U.S. toward the End of Sept. of this year.(www.
Many people think Robertson is a spiritual looney toon, others think he's a prophet.I'm not quite sure what I think of him.I don't watch the 700 Club and I have no real knowledge or opinion of him other than whenever the masses think someone in a spiritual position is a looney, he is usually legit.The masses thought Nehemiah, Noah, Abraham, Moses, Job, Peter and Jesus were all looney toons.That tells me something.So of course, now I'm afraid.I regret bringing my sweet angels into this Hell called the Last Days.I'd rather be forced to endure this nightmare alone  or with John and my family, than now with my babies' innocent faces in the forefront of my mind.
I know children are a gift from God and we are to be fruitful and multiply, but at what point does it become selfish and wrong?If at all?
On a much more shallow level, I've been silently obsessing over getting a minivan or a 7 passenger hybrid SUV.Not only have  I really wanted one( more the Suv than the van) but we really need one.Our family will be expanding and our Taurus just isn't gonna cut it.We'll be moving in the next month or 2 and the extra room to pack stuff into would be a blessing and a half.Of course, we don't want to take NJ payments on a vehicle to WV with us where we'll be paying for it on a WV income.So whatever we may be blessed with will have to be just that- a blessing-paid in full somehow by us or bestowed upon us by God's grace through someone else.I dunno.I'm trusting Him, that whatever happens is His perfect Timing and Will for us.Easier said than done, espcially if you really know me.

Saturday December 30, 2006

In English
Saddam is dead.I don't know how I feel about this.i mean, if anyone even came close to putting my family through what he put his own people through, I'd probably relish their torture and demise.But, I think that's more coming from an emotional place than a reasoning place.I don't think murdering someone for murdering others solves anything.I mean, than doesn't that make the good guys bad guys, and murderers just like the killer?Where does i stop?It's never ending spiral of death and sadness.Hmmm, just what Satan had in mind.
Praise Jesus for His conquering Death once and for all! My only comfort in living in these End Times is that no matter what they put me and my family through for our belief in Jesus, they can never take our souls.Our bodies weren't meant to last-they were meant to break down, get old, feel pain and return to the dust.And yes, that sucks for us trapped in them, but it can only last for so long.
But our Souls-God , our Souls!!! the Truest part of our being and living.The soul is who we are and are meant to be.Only the Immortal can take our Soul, not another mortal.Our Soul is the most precious things we don't own for it is us! Jesus didn't die for our bodies because He knew they wouldn't last 4-ever or even be with us in Heaven.We get all new bodies to match our Souls, instead of our Souls being trapped within our bodies!
Thank you!Thank you Jesus!thank you for giving us a Hope to cling to, to get us a through and to welcome us Home!

In Arabic(في اللغة العربية)
موت صدام. أنا لا أعرف كيف أشعر. أعني، إذا كان أي شخص حتى جاء على مقربة من وضع عائلتي من خلال ما
طرحه من خلال شعبه، فما استقاموا لكم فاستقيموا التمتع ربما معاناتهم. ولكن، أعتقد أن هذا أكثر قادمة من مكان العاطفي من مكان المنطق. لا اعتقد ان قتل شخص ما لقتل الآخرين لا يحل أي شيء. أعني، من لا تجعل جيدة الرجال الأشرار، وقتلة مثلهم مثل القاتل؟ أين أتوقف؟ انها لا تنتهي دوامة الموت والحزن. هممم، فقط ما كان يدور في خلد الشيطان.

الحمد يسوع عن موته قهر مرة واحدة وإلى الأبد! راحتي فقط في الذين يعيشون في هذه الأوقات النهاية انه مهما كان ما وضعوا لي ولعائلتي من خلال لإيماننا بيسوع، فإنها لا يمكن أبدا أن تأخذ أرواحنا. وليس المقصود من اجسادنا لآخر لأنها كانت تهدف إلى كسر، والحصول على القديم، يشعر بالألم والعودة إلى الغبار. ونعم، أن تمتص بالنسبة لنا محاصرين في نفوسهم، ولكن يمكن أن تستمر فقط لمدة طويلة.

لكن نفوسنا، الله، أرواحنا! أصدق جزء من وجودنا والعيش. الروح هي ما نحن عليه، ويقصد إلى be.Only الخالد يمكن أن روحنا، وليس مميتا آخر. روحنا هو أكثر الأشياء الثمينة ونحن لا نملك لأنه هو لنا! يسوع لم يمت لأجسادنا أنه كان يعلم أنهم لن تستمر إلى الأبد أو حتى يكون معنا في السماء. نحصل على جميع هيئات جديدة لتتناسب مع نفوسنا، بدلا من نفوسنا الوقوع في اجسادنا!

شكرا شكرا لك يسوع! شكرا لتعطينا بصيص الأمل، للحصول على لنا من خلال والترحيب بنا الصفحة الرئيسية!

In Greek(Στην ελληνική)
Ο Σαντάμ είναι dead.I δεν ξέρουν πώς αισθάνομαι για this.i σημαίνει, ακόμη και αν κάποιος ήρθε κοντά στο να τεθεί η οικογένειά μου με ό, τι έβαλε δικούς του ανθρώπους μέσα, είχα απολαύσει μάλλον τα βασανιστήρια και το θάνατο τους. Ωστόσο, νομίζω ότι είναι περισσότερα έρχονται από συναισθηματική θέση από έναν τόπο σκεπτικό. Δεν νομίζω ότι κάποιος δολοφονεί για τη δολοφονία άλλων λύνει τίποτα. εγώ σημαίνει, όχι από ό, τι ότι κάνουν τους καλούς κακούς, και δολοφόνοι όπως το δολοφόνο; Πού μπορώ να σταματήσω; Είναι ατέρμονο κύκλο του θανάτου και της θλίψης. Χμμμ, τι ακριβώς ο Σατανάς είχε στο μυαλό του.

Έπαινος για την κατάκτηση του Ιησού Ο θάνατος του μια για πάντα! Μόνο άνεση μου που ζουν σε αυτούς τους έσχατους καιρούς είναι ότι άσχετα με το τι βάζουν εμένα και την οικογένειά μου μέσω για την πίστη μας στον Ιησού, ποτέ δεν μπορεί να πάρει τις ψυχές μας. Οι οργανισμοί μας δεν ήταν γραφτό να διαρκέσει-που ήταν γραφτό να σπάσει, να γεράσουν, να αισθάνονται πόνο και να επιστρέψετε στη σκόνη. Και ναι, αυτό είναι χάλια για μας παγιδευμένοι σε αυτούς, αλλά το μόνο που μπορεί να διαρκέσει για τόσο πολύ καιρό.

Αλλά μας ψυχές-ο Θεός, οι ψυχές μας! το πιο αληθινό μέρος της ύπαρξής μας και ζουν. Η ψυχή είναι αυτό που είμαστε και είναι γραφτό να γίνει. Μόνο η αθάνατη ψυχή μπορεί να μας, δεν είναι άλλος θνητός. Η ψυχή μας είναι τα πιο πολύτιμα πράγματα που δεν μας ανήκει, είναι για μας! Ο Ιησούς δεν πέθανε για το σώμα μας, επειδή ήξερε ότι δεν θα διαρκέσει για πάντα ή ακόμη και να είναι μαζί μας σε Heaven.We πάρει όλα τα νέα όργανα για να ταιριάζει με τις ψυχές μας, αντί των ψυχών μας να παγιδευτεί μέσα στο σώμα μας!

Σας ευχαριστούμε! Σας ευχαριστούμε τον Ιησού! Ευχαριστώ για να μας δώσει μια ελπίδα για να συνδέομαι με, να μας πάρετε μια και μέσα στο σπίτι μας υποδεχτεί!

In Hebrew(ב עברית)
סדאם מת. אני לא יודע מה אני מרגיש בקשר לזה. כלומר, אם מישהו עוד היה קרוב לשים את המשפחה שלי דרך מה הוא שם את בני עמו דרך, אני בטח להתענג העינויים שלהם למוות. אבל, אני חושב שמגיעה ממקום יותר רגשי מאשר במקום חשיבה. אני לא חושב לרצוח מישהו על רצח אחרים פותר anything.I כלומר, מאשר לא לעשות את החבר 'ה חבר' ה טובים, רעים או רוצחים בדיוק כמו הרוצח? איפה אני עוצר? זה האינסופי ספירלה של מוות ועצב. המממ, מה בדיוק השטן התכוון.

לכבוד ישו על המוות שלו לכבוש אחת ולתמיד! הנחמה היחידה שלי לחיות בימים אלה הסופית היא כי לא משנה מה שמו אותי ואת המשפחה שלי דרך על אמונתנו בישוע, הם אף פעם לא יכול לקחת את נשמותינו. הגוף שלנו לא נועדו האחרון הם נועדו להישבר, מזדקנים, להרגיש כאב לחזור אבק. וכן, זה מבאס לנו לכודים אותם, אבל זה רק יכול להימשך זמן כה רב.

אבל הנשמות שלנו, אלוהים, את נפשנו! החלק האמיתי של הווייתנו והנשמה living.The הוא מי שאנחנו אמורים להיות. רק אלוהים יכול לקחת את הנשמה שלנו, לא עוד מוות. הנשמה שלנו היא הדברים היקרים ביותר אנו לא בעלי על זה אנחנו! ישו לא מת על הגוף שלנו, כי הוא ידע שהם לא תימשך אי פעם או אפילו להיות איתנו בגן עדן. אנחנו מקבלים כל הגופים החדשים כדי להתאים את נפשנו, במקום נשמותינו להיות לכוד בתוך הגוף שלנו!

תודה! תודה לך אלוהים! להודות לך על נותן לנו תקווה להיאחז בו, כדי להביא לנו דרך לקבל את פנינו בית!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Friday December 29, 2006

It's funny how when I was a teen, I'd see the usual tired looking mom toting small children and wondered 2 things-
1)why isn't anyone helping her?
2)Where did she go wrong?
The mother always looked disheveled and so worn out.The oldest child was usually around 5 or 6 and toting a ratty haired Barbie doll and talking to herself.The next child was in the front part of the cart throwing a 5 star fit,sticky faced with some nondescript brown stain around their mouth and screaming at the top of their lungs about what they wanted that the poor woman had inevitably said no to.The youngest was a small infant snuggled away in the back of the cart in a carrier, walled in by food and sound asleep.I saw this picture today and thought,"Oh dear God.It's me!"
My 3 year old (who I've told repeatedly to stay on the bench part of the triple carrier shopping cart) was once again lagging behind me, oblivious to the hurried scowls of the crowd of elderly shoppers behind her.She was toting her newest darling- a gift from Christmas-a ratty haired Cinderella Barbie that she lovingly cradled and talked to at the beat of 1 step per 5 seconds.My middle child,a little girl only 15 months old was contendedly(thank Jesus!) gnawing away at the cold sealed mini tub of butter and attracting the usual wrong but well meaning comments from the same elderly hord("AW, hey there sport!Is that good?" or "What a cute little fella" I roll my eyes at my beautiful little girl being refered to as a "sport" or" fella"). My youngest, due out in May of next year decided to keep him/herself busy by thumping me behind my belly button,apparently notifying me of the fact of which I was well aware- I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch and it was fast approaching 2pm.
Yet, somehow through the chaos and crowds, I remained in good spirits.I rested in the fact that I was blessed enough to have healthy  children - able to annoyingly walk away from me( instead of being in a hospital bed tied to tubes and needles and moniters),gnaw obnoxiously on whatever  item I handed them(instead of sitting at home trying to make the best of a Saltine and ketchup dinner) and abuse my tired and sore abdomen(instead of lying on a pile of aborted little bodies).We have a dog who is so spoiled that he snubs his dog food to people food,a cat that snores gently on the soft Mohair sheet set for our bed, lights that turn off and on ,water(though it comes and goes on it's own)that runs and jobs that pay-either in monetary value or in a rich harvest of well brought up God loving citizens .
My children make me laugh, albeit sometimes later in the day rather than at the moment.Like this afternoon in the car.Sierra was constantly teasing Brianna with  her Cinderella doll, reaching it out to her and then snatching it away.When Brianna finally got hold of it Sierra was frantic and yelling,"Bee-Onna,give her back!Bee-Onna, that's my Cinde-wella!" Trying to diffuse the situation by explaining Brianna doesn't get her screaming tirade, i told Sierra to calm down.
"Mom", she said exasperatedly,"I'll handle this!"
Not cute, at the time.
And how many times do I have to go hunting for a missing doll right before bedtime due to the fact that "she must be alone and scared and cold"?
Yet today, handing over a yellow lollipop to Sierra, i teased by reminding her gently to share with Cinderella.
"Mom",she said in the same snobby tone as above,"she's just a doll.She isn't real like me.See?Her mouth is painted on!"
But the best part of the day( and i think a lot of moms will back me up on this one) is the part of the day when after tucking the little boogers in,saying a round of prayers,brushing teeth and going potty, lullabies and a story or 2.... you come back an hour or so later to peek in on them before heading off to your own slumber land and see them either spread eagle or curdled up in tight balls, sound asleep and safely snoring in the dimly lit nursery.
Ahhh, the truest form of peace and trust if ever it did it exsist.

Wednesday December 20, 2006

I hate it when old wounds are finally healed up, and all it takes is a dream or a song or a smell to pick open the scab again...and it feels like the blood will never stop pouring and the pain will never go away.i hate the confusion,the shame,the guilt,the sadness and the fear ....i want to just let it all go and be done.I want to act like it never mattered when it did.It so did.I'd give anything to go back in time and see what went wrong,read minds and see where my life would be now if the road less traveled was traveled by me, with company.I'm furious.others go on without a care in the world and I'm left standing with the pain beating out blood from my ripped open heart.I hate myself.I hate the devil.He is a liar.I wish God would give me a vision into my past- to see all the way from then to now.Am I truly blessed and happy?Or am I just pretending again?Am i living blindly by faith and acting the whole way?what is really real but God?
Oh God, here come the tears again.I gotta go.I need to sob.

Tuesday December 19, 2006

I just have to say that the ultrasound last week has really had an affect on me.I'm obsessed with the possibility that I have a son growing inside of me.Today i went to Kmart and bought a baby book and the cutest blue onesie that says" If you think I'm handsome, you should see my Daddy" and it has a winking turtle on it.I LOVE IT!!!
Those who know about the pregnancy have been asking what I'm having and I finally have somewhat of an answer for them.I hope I'm not totally wrong.I mean, I'll love the baby no matter what...but I do really want a son for john's sake.But then again, the more shopping buddies I have the better!Whatever i am having, I've really been feeling it lately;I feel swollen and achy and I can feel my abdominal muscles aching and stretching.It's awesome!!
We finally finished shopping for Christmas.John is so excited that he got some gifts that weren't on my list all by himself- he's driving me nuts reminding me 3 times a day how excited he is and how he hopes I like them.He still doesn't get that he could pick up a rock and give it to me and I'd treasure it just because he was thinking of me at the time.
I'm beginning to have moving jitters.i hate that we have to move and WV is not my prime choice.In fact, it's 2nd to last- just above Tornado alley,Kansas.i want to live in Montana, but i don't see that happening.I dunno.I just don't have a good feeling about's not a really bad feeling, but i have no peace about it.I just can't afford to screw this up on account of the girls.Leaving NJ will be hard enough PLUS a new baby...but I dunno....I just need to trust God no matter what.
Though He slay me,yet will I trust Him.

Sunday December 17, 2006

Dear God, give me energy and strength.
I promised myself for the past week that I'd take Sierra 9 just me and her) to go see Charlotte's web.John will back any minute from Christmas shopping to give me the car to take her and I'm literally falling asleep here.
So I'm a pod person.My eyes sting and my stomach hurts but I'm still gonna take her.She's been so good....she deserves this.
Please keep me in your prayers if you read this...I'll let you know how it went if I don't go right to sleep later!

Friday December 15, 2006

I found one of them...and made my first leg of lamb for dinner tonight.Hey, it's Jersey, I'm tired of subjecting my family to weekly Chinese,spaghetti and cheeseburgers(although they never complain)...but in this state you'd be hard pressed to find a better deal than $1.99lb for a leg of lamb.So with much apprehension I roasted it and the verdicted is:
John had 2 helpings,Brianna even nibbled it and for the first time in weeks Sierra ate her whole plate of food + whatever Brianna didn't want!!!!I gotta do this more often.I think Tuesday I'll make the duck!!
Today was a hectic but good day.Anyday I can get the girls out of the house is fun for them, even if it was only food shopping and taking john to work.i can really see Sierra trying to be good these past 2 days.She even says,"I will be obedient and listened to you.That makes your heart smile".She has slipped up as most kids do but REALLY tries- so I'm gonna surprise her Sunday afternoon and make a mommy/daughter date-just the 2 of us while Brianna sleeps(John'll watch her) and take her to go see Charlotte's web.
I'll screen it first, but I think she'd really like that.We need more fun us time.We used to spend full days and evenings together...walking along the beach, going to the park,laying in the grass and watching clouds and seagulls go by....we both need that again.I want her to know I do still love her and the "nice"mommy is still in here...somewhere inside the frazzled,overtired,sore, burn out cranky mommy that she has gotten used to.If only I could convey to her that there is just something extra special about her because she was my first baby and giving birth to her was like giving birth to my best friend.i just don't want to smudge that line of respect daughters are supposed to have for their mothers by becoming more of her friend.
i can't wait till the day when I can-whenafter years of putting in all the time and energy of rearing a God-loving worshipper of a wife and mother that we can talk and live now as best friends.

Wednesday December 13, 2006

Baby Johnathan Jayden or Caia

I should be a cheerleader or a model or something.At least then my bulimia would be validated!Seriously, for 2 weeks now EVERY single time I eat something( regardless of size or texture or whatever) with 15 minutes I feel nauseous.

It started 2 weeks ago when I was folding laundry with Sierra.I think I had eaten a half sandwhich prior to the laundry and we were having fun folding and everything when out of nowhere I got REALLY thirsty.I told her where i was going and as I stood up to head to the kitchen, I felt like someone had dropped a  50 lb bag of puke on me.i ran to the bathroom and almost didn't make it. 3 nights ago we had Chinese for dinner and I felt ok til I went to bed.then I literally was in the bathroom  til about 2 am and the same last night.It's like some cruel preggo joke....hit me with deathly morning sickness for 2 months, take it away and bring it back for 2 weeks.whatever.I don't care as long as the baby is ok.
Speaking of which, we had another ultrasound this morning at 10 am.I never went to the bathroom after waking  up so I wouldn't have to guzzle all that water at once.The lady was very nice and pretty much knows us by name.We're practically family!Apparently my bladder was too full..after looking for all major organs and measuring the head and spine I was asked to empty the bladder, to look for a gender.I was told like, 20 times I was way early and i told her the Dr. told me to come in ASAP to verify a due date(apparently what they originally gave me and what the dr. had given me were 10 days apart and that bothered him.)I knew I was early and i don't wanna wait another few weeks or months to find out the gender....but anyway....
She looked around and found the cord-3 strands or bands or whatever they call it.Which is funny cause Brianna only had 2 I think....then she measured the arms and legs and spread the legs apart...and the whole time she was looking, she kept reminding how early i was and looking confused.
Now, rememeber she easily could tell where the umbilical cord was by its 3 bands.But then when she looked between the legs she said,", now i do see a little something right, I don't wanna say for sure, that, you know, it's a boy cause you are still very early.But....hmmmm.i mean,well, it could be the cord or yeah, it could be a little boy.hmmmm.Yeah, you'd have to come back in a few weeks or a month's just way too early tell right now.But, now see that looks like...yeah... I can't tell.Sorry."

So yeah, with my girls I got nothin'! No maybe, no confusion -no nothin! It was always, "we see nothing, but don't hold your breath it -could always be a boy."This poor woman was either so unsure of what she was looking at or she really wanted to say boy ,but didn't want to be wrong.I dunno....I'm still holding out for John's sake that we've got a little running back in there.

Tuesday December 12, 2006

For the first time in a long time I felt content today.I mean, I will always miss my husband when he's not here.And I was still in near complete isolation, if not for my children.But something was different and I know someone was praying for me.
Sierra couldn't have been better.She was respectful and obedient and helpful.Not once did I raise my voice or my hand.I never even had to speak to her twice.She never cried when Daddy left and greeted him with kisses and open arms with her little sister when he came home.
Dinner was actually hot when he walked in and although I've had a headache and nausea most of the day, I was able to function.I enjoyed Tv and playtime with my kids and reading, thy actually sat still long enough for me to finish the book.
After dinner we put on the XM station on our Directv and laughed and clapped as the girls danced and danced for an hour.Everytime I yelled "Praise the Lord!!", their tiny arms flew up and they looked up to the sky with smiles on their sticky faces.After music hour they played togther with their dolls until it was time for bed-with no whining or fighting for  more playtime.By 9:30 they were exhausted but happy-Sierra listening intently to her bedtime story - my variation of the 3 Little Pigs(starring Flopsy,Mopsy and Bacon Bits!) and Brianna was already snoring in my arms before I could lay her down.
Yes, it was a very good day for us.Whoever was in prayer for me, thank you.So much.

Saturday December 9, 2006

So this is love,mhmmhmmm......
Current mood: calm
Category: Romance and Relationships
Last night John came home around 8-ish and was hanging in the doorway calling me to help him with something.Well, i was in the middle of finishing up making dinner and was irritated by Sierra's constant nagging for sweets and Brianna hanging on my pants to the point of pulling them down...
I turn to help and the way he was leaning in the doorway i couldn't tell if he was hurt or what...then he pulls his right arm in and hands me bouquet of tiger lilies!!
Suffice it to say I began crying hysterically and I actually hyperventilated to the point where he said (kidding) that he's never buying me flowers again!!

In other news....
my crying streak continues.Today was Rich Green's funeral and because i finally got struck with the girls' colds last night around 10pm I overslept and missed the viewing.I wasn't about to be ignorant, so I ran to Acme and picked out some cookies and a card for Janet.I drove to the church so embarrassed to be late to a funeral.I went in side and dropped off the card, signed the book and put the cookies in the kitchen...just as i was about to leave someone  was exiting the sanctuary and i peeked in and heard the praise and saw the casket-and I lost it.i began sobbing like it was one of my children in the scared me so I ran out to my car and just wept bitterly, and I don't even know why.
I knew Rich for like, a minute.But he prayed for me and my impending C-section for Brianna when he didn't know me and I told him he and his wife were responsible for bringing my mom to the Lord 23 years ago.Because of him, I was saved too, because it was my mom who witnessed to me.
That was the only time I spoke to him although his wife is in my Bible study, but he really touched my life.
"Well done good and faithful servant.Enter into the joy of the thy Lord."

Friday December 8, 2006

I am so bored.I've been indoors since Tuesday.Sierra is still congested but still a barrel of gunpowder, well, at least she was up until 5pm.I was folding clothes in the bedroom and came out to find her fast asleep in her bean bag chair...snoring and everything!
Brianna toddled around the house going"SHHH!", finger to her lip...and everything!
I've done laundry, folded clothes, prepped tp make dinner at 7:30 and tended to the kids all day...I bored now and tired.I think I'll make cookies later tonite.
Sorry this isn't more interesting.But hey, if you want interesting, hack into Britney Spears's or Lindsey Lohan's diaries.That would be interesting.

Thursday December 7, 2006

I really can't take much more.Sierra's been sick for 3 days, Brianna's been sick for 2 and being house bound is driving me nuts.EVERYTHING is getting on my nerves.Sierra's mouth is OUT OF CONTROL.she talks like she's going through her teen years and there are moments where I don't want to be around her.She demands food with her hands on her hips,refuses to say please or thank you for things,wastes the foods I do give her and keeps asking for the junk food she can't have.She talks back,rolls her eyes,clicks her tongue and glares.
Brianna is still pleasant, but demanding at times too.She tries to play and laugh as snooty dries under her least she sits perfectly still long enough for me to really clean it at times.I can't stand kids that run around licking the the snot off their makes me gag.
Then there's John.
You know how guys are always saying they want us to tell them what we want so they can deliver?My guy still doesn't deliver.I mean he's no creep...he spoils me in all the little ways most women would love(like he's almost always the one to get up in the middle of the night when Sierra wanders in for 1 reason or aother, and he gets up in the morning first with the girls so i can sleep late.)But I mean, even Dr. Phil says men aren't I guess unless you find a really romantic fella you can forget about receiving the "just because" gifts.Well anyway this how it goes in our house:Flowers are a HUGE thing with me.I never get them.The last time i got flowers was for my birthday  and they were from Crystal.Well, I waited about a year for him to do it on his own.Then I just gave up and relied on dropping hints.I mean, flowers after a few hints is better than nothing right?
Still no flowers.
So I dropped coming out and telling him how much I love them, miss them, how Crystal gets them alot from her hubby- how even my insensitive jerk of step dad gets them for my mom once in a blue moon. Then I waited a few months.
Still no flowers.
i finally came out and asked what the heck was wrong with him?Why is he a romantic retard?He says flowers just aren't on his mind and when they are I either bring them up(and it seems kinda dumb to bring me them the day after I asked for romantic is that?) or he doesn't have the money on him.He never carries money on him, but he has a bank card and we have the money in our car for gas and emergencies)I just yelled at him in tears to just forget it.I mean, if I don't mean enough to him for him to put me and flowers in the forefront of his mind after so many chances and so much time, then really.Forget it.
I'm in that place where I have so much on my mind too-the sick kids, the house chores, errands, bills to pay, Christmas gifts to buy, extras on my mind that he has no idea about- but I keep room in my mind for him, always.i rememebr things last year,last month and last week he has said he wishes he had or would just like to have.I get him what he wants.He can't even Christmas shop for me.He keeps telling me that.He either can't find what i want.I've resorted to writing a list for him and the stores where he can get them.He keeps losing the list.
I really give up.
I went food shopping today and was going to buy myself some flowers, but I just couldn't.It was too sad and pathetic.Me getting them wouldn't solve the problem.I stared at carnations and roses and colorful pastels of I -don't -know -whats and started to cry.I don't think he'll ever get me flowers just because he was thinking of me.I don't think he'll ever do "just because" things ever again.That died when we got married.Maybe he'll rememebr or find the time and money when I'm dead.But that's only because he'll see everyone else putting them on my casket.

Tuesday December 5, 2006

Poor Sierra.
She has a wicked cold today.Where she got from I have no idea, but she's 3 so I guess it just happens.She kept getting up last night waking up Brianna and just whining outside our room.John got up with her 4 times, I did 3.Waking up Brianna wouldn't be such a pain except she's upgrade her "you're burning me alive" scream of 5 minutes to this cat -skinning -in- a -meat -grinder -caterwauling- growl thing for up to 45 minutes.It absolutely horrific, borderlining demonic.I hate it-she sounds so miserable.
Anyway, while Brianna completely embraces this separation anxiety with me(I don't even need to touch her to make her stop, just stand next to her crib and stare at her)Sierra has been coming up with 50 ways to kill bedtime- among which her faves are:"I need a tissue","Brianna's keeping me awake","I'm thirsty" and the ever popular "I have to go potty...again".
{rolls eyes}
I really need to get an ultrasound soon or I'll go nuts.With the girls, I always felt pregnant, if not physically then emotionally.From EPT to delivery.With this baby I feel Nothing.It scares me.I'm afraid i'm gonna be another Caroline Ingalls and only give my poor husband a houseful of girls and not 1 son.It's funny cause I never wanted a son, what with the whole war and drafting and registering at 18 and all.My heart couldn't take that.But now I find myself obsessing with having a son.I can't even come up with a "just in case" girl's name.We loved Caia Danielle for about  month, but I'm losing feeling for that.I'm still strong on Johnathan Jayden.
I dunno.I just want to get the u/s so I can see a baby and know everything is ok.My next appt. is next monday the 11th, but I'll only be 16 weeks.If I am still pregnant(and I pray to God i am)this pregnancy is dragging on. s l o w l y.

Tuesday November 28, 2006