Friday, August 12, 2011

Tuesday October 31, 2006

I feel so odd today.I've spent the last 6 days running around like a crazy person trying to gather as many character reference letters as possible for my mom.Out of the hundreds(literally) of people I came to find out my mom has met,known, or ever talked to-very few should ever be considered her friends.I'm hurt and ashamed to know alot of these people, and the ones that she knows that I don't who still didn't support her-I'm glad i don't them.
Well, I finally told John what I've been wanting to him for awhile.Girls need to be loved daily and little things mean just as much as the big things.I hae dropped every hint known to mankind about wanting him to buy me flowers and leave little notes and cutesy stuff like that.I've come right out and told him beefore and I thought he heard me, but i guess I was wrong.I know he heard me this time, I just don't hink anything will come of stinks.i know men aren't mind readers and that ruins the whole surprise thing anyway because if you have one of those guys who doesn't think to do cutesy stuff on his own you have to tell him.But it's even worse when you tell him so he knows and he STILL doesn't do it.I dunno.I give up.I know I am extremely blessed to have john for a husband, but I miss the little wayd he used to treat me's like, before we were maried he lived to spend time with me.I know he like football and his PS2 and his TV shows b4, but I came first and he never seemed to mind.Now it's like he knows he's got me right there and since I'm not going aywhere he can take me for granted.Darn my values!darn them to heck!I'd like to shake him up a little by thinking he's losing me, but he wouldn't get shakin' up- he'd get mad.
So I'm alone again and I hate Halloween.Always have.i went out for candy twice.Once i was 5 and one of my mom's friends' sons was dressed as dracula and pinned me against adoor and tried to bie me.Jerk.So now i have this (im)mortal fear of vampires.Stupid, i know.The other time i went to a church "harvest" party dressed as angel and was bored stiff. was something like 9.First off, Christians shouldn't be into Halloween in the first place, in my opinion.Secondly, the ones who are trying not to be shouldn't substitute it with Harvest parties.There is no harvest being brought in, therefore there should be no harvest party.And correct me if I'm wrong, but most Harvest parties seem to be Christian Halloween parties.The words don't even look right next to each other.I mean, do Jewish parents compromise and have a tree up during Hannukah?I think not!So why should we feel ashamed or bad that we don;t take part in Halloween?There are hundreds of holidays celebrated all over the world that we don't recognize;should we feel bad and celebrate them all or maybe find alternatives for our kids?!
Ok.I'm off my soapbox.But seriously i am very passionate about my beliefs so I apologize if i stepped on any toes.But I have the right to say what I believe, just like you have the right not to let it bother you.But if it did, I'm sorry it hurt you.I'm just not sorry I said it.

Friday October 13, 2006

I'm so sick of being tired and so tired of being lonely.I need a break away from Sierra and her bazillion questions about everything("Mommy, why did you put a blanket under the table for Neo so he won't be cold?"-yes, she answers her own questions inside her questions and then looks at me like i'm supposed to have a different answer) and a break from Brianna's clinginess and runny noses.
I hate NJ.All winter it's cold and grey and depressing with nowhere to go and nothing to do...cooped up inside afraid to turn the heat on because of the bill you might get the following month.All summer it's humid and sticky and unbearably hot and the kids want to go,go,GO and there is never any money to do anything because all the money is going into the electric bills because the stupid electric company keeps snapping our power on and off with outages,into the gas tank with their crazy$3.15 a gallon for regular,into jacked up food prices and medical bills and car repair.
I miss my husband and going out to the movies and walks in the mall looking at what we can't afford and walks on the beach watching the sunset.Going out to dinner where kids aren't really supposed to be there..where you sit down and order virgin drinks with a nice supper(that do not consist of fries and buns of any kind).
Ok, enough whining.I just need to get that off my chest.Time to blow bubbles.

Wednesday October 25, 2006

Myspace Icons 
I must be EXTREMELY strong for God to be putting so much on me.Strike that.Oh, i did.I meant to say for God to be entrusting me with so much.My mom's court hearing was yesterday, Brianna's birthday.It was a horrible day for me, whch is funny cause my 2 days with john were so amazing.
We went to church and visited his mom(which was surprisingly pleaseant,thanks to Sierra keeping her mouth zipped about WeeBunn).We went to dinner and rented movies and started Christmas shopping for the girls and watched movies at home snuggled in bed.Then Tuesday comes and I'm home alone baking a birthday cake with Sierra's help for Brianna.It was going well til mom called to tell me in short, that she needs me to call or email everyone she's ever known in NJ who likes her and ask them to write character reference letters for her.Only 2 people know her situation and now all of south Jersey knows.I'm beginning to see who her true friends are.I'm just glad I am the one to hear all the untrue friends' comments rather than her.It would hurt her so much.I got so worked up defending her and telling the story over and over and over...then Brianna cried half the dayShe screamed all during pictures of her little party after dinner,cried when we sang to her,cried when I gave her her present.Then i cried cause she was crying.Sierra was disobedient 90% of the day which was taxing on me and john comes home to the anxiety and madness and just blows up from all the noise.
We all apologized to each other and prayed before bed.He told Sierra a story while I sang and rocked Brianna to sleep.Thank God yesterday is over.
i better go start dinner before John gets home.We have 1 more movie to watch and i want the kids fed and calm and the house clean before our "DATE".

Saturday October 21, 2006

I really can't take it anymore.I don't know what's wrong with me.I dunno if it's pre-partum depression, my constant environment of being completely isolated with my kids,a chemical imbalance caused by the prgnancy or the lack of sleep I'm getting(or not getting I should say)----but I really can't take it anymore.
I couldn't remember the last time I was with my husband..and knew him....biblically I mean.My memory is so shot anymore, it might have been the day before yesterday- but it scared me that I couldn't remember (I never want him to feel neglected or unloved)so as tired as I was(and I mean tired- to the point of tears tired)i stayed up late to be with him.i finally crashed around 1 or 2 am and woke up at 6:15am to Brianna screaming.I'm not used to getting up that early or to john not being the one to get up first and care for the kids so i can get some extra z's.Well, she never went back to sleep and then Sierra came in at 7:30 to wake john up.After we all got up, I felt so sluggish I could barely walk or think, so I tried to go back to bed for a couple hours.
Nothing doing.
i woke up again to Brianna banging her toy teapot on the heater and when I asked Sierra to please take it from her she said,"I can't.i'm busy.You do it."I could have screamed at the top of my lungs  I was fed up and angery, so instead I got up and yelled at john.Why? Cause he knows how I'm suffering,and how I get so depressed when i see the sun anymore; I just burst into tears.And what's he doing?Laundry?The dishes?Straightening the Livingroom?Occupying the children?NO!!!
He's playing his stupid PS2!!!He had the nerve to put the girls in the room with me so he could play!!!I was so hot I left.I got dressed and took Brianna to Shoprite to do some food shopping.I didn't want to be home, I didn't want to talk to anyone.i just wanted to leave and fume.The only reason i took Brianna is because she was crying so loud for me I felt guilty just walking out the door.
I hate feeling guilty.My feelings and emotions are SO justified and I still feel this immense guilt asking for help , then anger when he just doesn't help without me asking.there have been days I've begged him to stay home from work cause I'm so sick of being alone.He always rationalizes that I'm not being rational and he appreciates that I love him but he has to be responsible.So i cry.
When I came home, he took the car and left for work.I never got to apologize because I wasn't even thinking about it till he left.And I cried.All I do is cry.I try never to let Sierra see me cry, so I lock myslef in the bathroom and just sob.She's figured out how to unlock the door from the outside.She'll ask me why I'm crying...What am I supposed to say? I just say:I miss Daddy.
So I have 3 main feelings-anger,sadness and lethargy.I don't wanna be like this anymore.I don't.JESUS!!!!TAKE THIS FROM ME!!GOD PLEASE!MAKE ME NORMAL AGAIN!!!I don't want to be alone anymore.
I think I'll go for a walk with the girls.
Passage Psalm 42:3:
      3My tears have been my food day and night,
         While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

Monday October 9, 2006

These pics are from Placental Pathology and Multidimensionals of human Embryos.They are pics of a baby at 8 weeks and twin boys at 9 weeks.I am 9 weeks pregnant.
My first Ob appointment with my new DOctor(Dr. Noll) was today.john and the girls came with me and they were pretty good.Sierra owns the nurses now!They loved her and catered to her need for a BandAid(which she really didn't need) and when she wasn't happy that it was aplain one they added ministickers to it!unfortuneatly I was weighed(ugh) and I'm tubby to say the very least.But that's ok cause i ALWAYS lose weight with pregnancy...hopefully that will continue.
Dr.Noll is very nice and kinda quiet but very professional.i was a nervous wreck about seeing a male doctor-I dunno is having John there made it better or more nerve  wracking.We left with Sierra in ters though, because she wanted her turn on the way little girl...not for another 15 years!
I got my scripts for prenatal vitamins and (ugh part 2) another blood test and (YAY!!)and ultrasound which I scheduled for tomorrow at 11:15am.I'm always anxious to see how many babies are coming!I am hoping this time that with as crappy as I've been feeling these past few months there's either twins or a very obnoxious little boy in there!i told John if there are twin boys baking in there, we are done....yeah right!Who am I kidding?!?!

Wednesday October 4, 2006

I'm trying to find more ways to be better mom and teacher to Sierra.I want to find arts and crafts and lessons and games she will really learn from and enjoy-like the other day when I taught her extensive manners.

I'm finding this pregnancy is not only causing a whole host of health issues with me(vomiting,migraines that last days,diarrhea and extreme pain like I've never felt among a ton of others) but I'm SO DRAINED.I could seriously stay in bed all day and be completely happy, but I can't and I don't.I've lost my homeschooling Zing...I hope it's just health related and not a sign that I'm a lousy Teacher.I will not put my babies in a school- not even the Amish are safe.
That's just ridiculous(not funny ridiculous, but mind-blowing) that some fool decides that because something happened to him or because of him or whatever...20 years ago, he's going to go to the most peaceful place on earth and destroy the children of the most peaceful people on earth.What kind of sicko freak murders little Amish girls execution style?!
i know the devil is having a field day here on Earth the best he can, but COME ON!It's like every day we get more glimpses into what the End is really gonna look like-microchips,murders,a world dictator that will slaughter innocent people in cold blood for not being brainwashed believers of His.
"Lord help me to remain steadfast in You-a believer to my soul and convicted of the Truth to my Core.Let me not fade away to my own Fears and cast you aside like you were never Real to me.i have seen You through your works and felt you through your children.You've kept me and cared for me and through my own children you have shown me glimpses of what a relationship with You was meant to be.Keep me strong God.Let me not fade away.From you.i want to always be in Love with You.Wholly and Holy and Passionately and Madly and Forever in Love with You- Jesus,my GOD."

Tuesday October 3, 2006

Well, I still don't feel comfortable with what happened here in my last entry, but after alot of prayer and extensive questioning of Sierra she has finally told me that her behavior is stemming from missing her Grammie.
She has always been close to my mom and I knew her moving away would be hard...but she seemed to take it really well and everytime we visit or they visit and it's time to go, there are very little(if any) tears and she gets very excited to talk to her on the phone again.But lately it almost seems as if Sierra doesn't want to talk to mom, and when she does she's snippy or sighs alot like she's bored and it's never more than a 3 minutes talk.
Last night she told me:"Mommy?I really miss Grammie and all her puppies and kitties."i told her I miss her too, but we will see her again very soon.She gave me a weak smile then looked up at me and broke my heart when she said,"Mommy?Is it ok to cry?"
"Yes,baby.It is ok to cry."

take me
sad on the sidewalks.
child sad
pretty quote
sad kitty

Saturday September 30, 2006

I'm worried about Sierra.
2 nights ago she wet the bed.This morning I found her panties in the bathroom and they were soaked.I asked her if she had another accident and she told me yes, but that it ws ok because it was just an accident and she hid it under her pillow.I had no idea wht she meant by that so i went in her room and she had placed her pillow over the giant wet spot.Now i have to wash her pillow too.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I recall bedwetting as a sign of sexual abuse.Sierra hasn't wet the bed in over a year.She potty trained herself last April and has been dry ever since.Why now?last week I let her "friends" babysit her.They are a really sweet group of sisters from our church who love her to death.When I say sweet, I mean SWEET-they make the nicest person in the world seem vile.Anyway,I had to run out to pick John up from work and Sierra would not come with me.She loves these girls to death.Brianna was asleep inher crib and the drive to his job is 15 minutes tops there and back.
I told her to be good and I'd be right back, but when i got back she was under a blanket on the floor watching TV with the youngest and the middle sisters.When we walked in she got up and ran to us and I saw she wan't wearing bottoms:a t-shirt and totally bare-butted was all.No one seemed bothered by this but me.She told me she had gone "tinkles" and din't feel like putting on her panties again.
my question is:1-why didn't they make her put them back on and 2- what made them think sitting under a blanket with a 3 year old wearing no panties was ok?
I should have asked them then, but I was so thrown by the whole thing it never crossed my mind.I don't if I've been watching too much Dr.Phil and Lifetime or is there something to this?i explained to her all about private parts and I even asked her today if someone-like her firends- had ever touched her there.She laughed and said,"No mommy!They are my private parts-remember you taught me that last night?"(Actually, it was early this month....)
i don't know.Am I making too much out of this or not enough?i don't want to falsely acuse someone so incapable of something like that,but hen again everyone is capable of something like that and when it comes to my babies I'm fiercely protective and always paranoid.
I don't know where to go from here.....

Friday September 29, 2006

I have been so sick over the past few weeks.The beginning of September I had food poisoning,the next week was exactly the same but I was told I just had a virus,then i find out I am pregnant...the morning(late afternoon and night) sickness hits and then I get the same abdominal cramping,diarrhea,vomiting and noxious burps as the past 3 weeks again.I think in the past month I've slept a total of 6 days.
Then yesterday as I'm getting better,Siera gets this wicked cold tat comes out of nowhere.Literally.She hasn't gone anywhere for a week cause John takes the car to work and I'm deathly ill.Now she's stuffed up and coughing,congested and feverish trying to go 110mph.So what does she do when i won't let her run run run?
That's right!She infects her sister!She coughed on Brianna last night so this morning Brianna has 0 appetite and has a snot fountain for a nose!YAY!!!{{Sarcasm}}So now I'm just barely functioning myself and caring for 2 little sickies.{SIGH}
So I know we are supposed to walk by FAith and not by sight, but I've always been a signs gal and I'm trying not to be-but I've been in prayer alot lately over the whole where to deliver and what doctor to see thing.My sign came in the form of 3 verbal confirmations about a supposedly very nice alleged Christian doctor nearby named Noll who will deliver my baby at Burdette.I'm still nervous-I've been with Somers Manor since I found out I was carrying Sierra 4 years ago.But the doctor whose work i love but conversationally  I don't love won't be working at the same hospital.That and the midwife that I all around adore is never there.I mean she is when I have office visits, but she's missed both my last deliveries even though she said she'd be there(granted the first was due to knee replacement surgery, but the other was a midwives convention somewhere in the Bahamas or something like that).This time around I was really in a bad way physically and I need her medical advicer, but once again she wasn't there and wouldn't be for 2 weeks.
Well, October 9 I have my first appointment with Dr.Noll and for what it's worth the receptionist didn't give me the usual shocked tone or blah sigh when i told her I was pregnant with my 3rd baby.That's always good.I've been very caustious who knows about WeeBunn due to the fact Brianna won't even be 1 till next month and I'm (by my calculations) almost 7 weeks along.I dunno.i need to stop caring and in a way i really don't care what people say but it still hurts.Really hurts.i can't wait till I can start complaining about how my clothes don't fit and I look fat!I love being pregnant and holding the new baby for the first time!

Friday September 22, 2006

oh baby       
hold on
Baby I love you.
Abortion Regret
Ok,I can't take it anymore!!I am normally awesome at keeping other people's secrets, but for the life of me I can't keep my own for too long.Just in case you are really dense( an i apologize for insulting you if you are) and couldn't get it from the above pics, but I'm having another baby!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!!
It's so wonderful and scary and surreal and beautiful all at the same time.I know,I know.I just had Brianna last October and it hasn't even been a full year yet(she turned 11 months yesterday)...and I know the world will not be accepting or supportive and may even go so far as to be abusive,negative and downright rude and hurtful, but I really don't care.Only a very few trusted friends and family know and i plan on feeding off their love and support and general happiness to get through telling everyone else.
Is it really that bad?(you may ask).Worse.Last year when i walked into my doctor's office almost 2 years after having Sierra, she looked at me and said,"You're kidding,right?What are you doing here?Tell me you're not pregnant."i mean this was my doctor-i was a married 20 something with a little girl ...not a 15 year old telling her parents.You would think she'd be long as i keep having babies, she can pay off her Beemer.
Then there are my inlaws.Telling them about Sierra my MIL broke out her big medical book and diagnosed me not as pregnant, but as having either a cancerous tumor on my uterus or an ovarian cyst.Telling them about Brianna-she just shook her head and said,"I hope you won't be looking for a handout".My father in law,whom I really like and care about his opinion...what did have to say?"No your not.Seriously,you're not, are you?johnny!Ri!NO!! You're supposed to make the money before you go and do this..."i should probably mention here that this was not in the privacy of their home, but at an Easter dinner in front of aunts,uncles and cousins.I burst into tears.
So screw them this time.I'm not telling them until the child is born or until they notice my body changing and bring it up themselves.If i make it to delivery without telling them and wanna know why we never said anything or how we kept it a secret I 'm gonna tell them it was easy-i just remembered the last 2 times we told them and didn't want to go through that pain again.For once i wanted to be happy the whole pregnancy long.
I really don't care this time around if they are supportive or trash talk us.All that matters is that John was really and truly happy.He was just like his parents when i told him about Sierra, and with Brianna he kinda took it like I told him I noticed the price of gas dropped to $2.13 a gallon-happy-ish but it could've be better.Very blah.
This time i was terrified I'd be alone in this again.We were absolutely not trying.With Sierra I knew the week she was conceived and with Brianna I knew the day.This child I am pretty sure of the month, but not even that's 100% since most pregnancy calculators have me pegged at between 4 and 6 weeks.i knew I had to tell John so i slipped it in our bedtime prayer with the girls:......"Surround the girls with Guardian Angels and bless them with sweet dreams and-thank-you-for-the-new-baby-please-let-it-be-a-boy-in-Jesus'-Name-Amen."Well, the girls were oblivious to what i had just run together but John did and smiled and asked me what i just said.I sheepishly told him and his smile got bigger and bigger and i got a huge hug.It's all he keeps saying" I can't believe it!How?When?!We're having a baby!"
He's scared financially  but has such a peace all around.It's so wonderful that God completely took the "control"out of His hands and the result is joy and Peace.But still, for our sanity and to have the time to enjoy this without others' negativity, we aren't telling anyone else until November...probably around Thanksgiving.Seems appropriate.So please,if anyone who knows us or our friends and family -please keep this secret for us.We'll be sharing it at the best time for us, during the time of thanksgiving.Praise be to the Lord for our newest little bundle,affectionately nicknamed "WeeBunn"!

Thursday September 14, 2006

babys hand
Ok, I don't wanna say too much.My nearest and dearest know what's going suffice it to say 2 things:1)Every good and perfect gift comes from God and,2 )He will never put more on than we can bear.

Wednesday September 13, 2006

I apologize for the next few minutes worth of mindless rambling, but if it gets it outta my head then it's free therapy for me.And anyway, i'm not asking you to keep reading.
I'm tired.I have no idea how Sierra can go to bed at 10pm, get up 6 times throughout the night for no good reason and wake me at 7 or 8 am doing 90mph like a ball of lightening.This magical energy goes on throughout the day without waning in the slightest thereby running me down and wearing me out.Plus, she's not listening to me 1 iota.
Brianna has been taught by her big sister to do exactly what I've been asking said big sister not to do-JUMP.Jump in the crib, in the playpen, and jump on her back(well, actually i'm trying to change her diaper and she keeps kicking her legs like she's jumping).The scary thing is she knows i won't spank Brianna cause she has just enough understanding to do naughty things, but not enough to be corrected.Grrr.My 3 year old outsmarted me.Again.
We have a band new(to us anyway) used swingset for the girls.I've prayed for this little luxury for about 2 years and now we have it.Unfortunately it's in 15 majorally rusty pieces and Sierra wants to use it NOW, but there's no time for John to put it together.
I'm scared by my financial circumstances while trying to remain prayerfully faithful.Our account is steadily and rapidly reaching zero and we have every day needs that need to be met-like food.$60 a week is not cutting it, but it's all we can afford.This scares me, but i keep hearing in my head that I can't fear and trust at the same time.I feel like somehow I'm doing it though.
Brianna will be 1 next month and i can't even wrap my mind around it.My baby-the one I suffered for,the one i prayed for, the one I needed to stay a baby just a little while longer- will be 1.Soon she'll be toddling away from me and after her big Sis.Big sis is no longer a baby but a young child.I'm losing my babies to time and my heart is aching.i wish I could shrink them both down to a month old each and snuggle into their downy brown hair and sweet scented cheeks.Today Sierra used logic to disobey me before i realized she was being disobedient and in a fit of excitement Brianna slammed her forehead into my cheekbone then slapped me in the eyes.Oh fun.
i should be teaching Sierra right now, but all she wants to do is learn the same numbers-1 thru 10.She already recognizes them, can write them and and count past them....but she fades away to lala land when I try to teach her 11-20 and if I count to 10 1 more time I'll fade to black myself.
I wish I could do something crazy like the Hollywood wealthy.I'd like to go with my family to a real estate agent and pick out any old house we want.Better yet, skip the agent.i wanna be driving with my family and see a house we like, walk up to the front door and tell the owners we want them out by next Friday and after they finishing laughing in our faces- open a purse filled with hundreds and tell them I'm not kidding.
It's funny.John asked me last night if I have any deep fantasies I've never told him b4.I don't think this is what he was expecting, but hey, it's my fantasy.

Thursday September 7, 2006

Britney Spears.Suri Cruise.P.Diddy's twins.7 Women at the local zoo.My dearest friend Crystal.

Everyone seems to be a bay,be having a baby or soon will be delivering a baby.i have to say it's almost cruel to a recovering breeder-all the babies and pregnancies I have to hear about and see.But ya know what?I'm ok.
I think being able to talk to John openly now without fear of the eyeroll or the sigh is as exciting and fun to look forward to as the day I get to tell him I'm pregnant with our number 3.It feels good not be in this alone, and I have already planned how I'm gonna tell him I'm pregnant when the day arrives:I'm gonna get him a chain bracelet with 3charms on it-1 will say "Sierra",1 will say "Brianna" and 1 will say "Third time's the charm!"...I just hope he gets it-it's no fun when u have to explain it!

Friday August 25, 2006

Now i know how Annie Sullivan felt when Helen first grasped "W_A_T_E_R_".I know Brianna is (Thank you Jesus)perfectly sighted and can hear and speak(sort of), but I wonder just how much she really grasps.She laughs when i tell her"NO",stares at me blankly when I try to teach her the sign for "MILK" and "MOMMY".
Today when I was rocking her for her nap, I was singing "Blessing" from her Twila Paris lullaby CD when i clearly heard a bird singing outside that i hadn't heard since before my grandparents died 10 years ago.I smiled and opened my eyes wide and said"Birdie" and did the sign for it.
i wasn't really expecting anything, but when she untucked her little hand and did the little sign back and went"beh!" i nearly dropped her!I just teared up and said "Yes.Birdie!!"The bird sang another 7 or 8 times and she kept making the sign after each time it sang.
Later that day i was feeding her some chicken stew and asked her if she wanted some more.Out of nowhere, she did the sign for that too!I had been trying to get her to do that sign for a few weeks, but this was the first time she did it on her own, no help from me.Every time I took food out to eat today, she would sign"more", whether or not it was something she could have= but I always gave her some food so she'd know i understand.

Tuesday August 22, 2006

Guess what Sierra called me tonight?We were getting ready for bed and I kept calling john to bring me Brianna so I could brush her 2 little teeth.Finally when he didn't answer i yelled,"oh hunny buns!" and he brought her to me.
About 10 minutes later my daughter said,"C'mon Bunny Bunns.It's prayers time!".i couldn't stop laughing.It feels good to laugh.

Tuesday August 22, 2006

I'm still in that weird place but I can see the blue sky beyond the scary dark  one.
I decided that the next time someone asked me what was wrong I'd honestly answer to the best of my ability.That way,i could see a) if they really cared or b)that telling them would be the easier way to get them to never ask what's wrong again.
Well, my victim was John.He asked asked and I think I sort of freaked him out when I gave him an answer w/out the usual 3 or 4 "Nothing"-s.
i told him I can't help wanting another baby but I know everyone's anti-baby attitude aside I can see for myself it's not a good time now-unless God does a work.I told him I don't feel safe and secure anymore.There are SO many open ended what-if's and maybe's to our life.If feels like there is no security and no safe place anymore.Where are we gonna be next year?Why can't we move?Does he realize we can't stay?We need to get rid of our cell phones because we an't afford them but we can't afford not to have them too....Does he realize we have a -$142 balance in our checking and $5 in our saving?Don't you care?
I told him it seems like he never want to discuss theses things with me and that leaves us with him going to work,earning a paycheck then coming home to tv and his video games while I worry and organize and plan and schedule and research all the ins and outs of our troubles.He told me his not talking is basically a sign that he's going thru just as much mental turmoil as me with the added bonus that he's the sole provider and feels like a failure.His silence is his calm before the storm.If he doesn't talk about it he doesn't have to make it as obvious as it is.And my tazmanian devil type trying to fix it all all at once makes him that much more"AAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
So we talked.Til 3am we talked and cried and prayed and weird enough there was even laughing.We don't know what we're doing though we'd like to get doing SOMETHING.As of today we have no money(I rolled change to go buy juice and butter),we're losing our cell phones next month(so I can't call my mom anymore or talk to him on his break or have a sense of security should our one car break down and one of us is alone on the side of the road-I would be alone with a 3 year old and 10 month old) and should his family move next month they'd sell the house we're in and we'd be homeless.
But Jesus had no money,no home and no way to contact family when he missed them.He had no car and barely had friends.The friends he did have couldn't even be there for him when He needed them the most.All he had was His Father.Right now, that's good enough for me.

Saturday August 19, 2006

I'm in this weird sort of place right now.The best way i can put it is a very eery calm.I had a bad day yesterday.For the first time(that I can remember) I raged at God.I never have and I've always prided myself on that.I guess that's why I "fell".I feel so bad.I feel so guilty.Everyone told me I'd want another baby.I said they were crazy.They weren't.I am.
I yelled at God because I can't handle it anymore and I don't even know what"it" is.Life isn't what i thought it would be.Does that mean the honeymoon's over?the sun may be shining bright out there but I don't wanna be out there alone with my kids.i wanna be with john.
I have almost zero energy and I'm sick to DEATH of my mom telling me like 10 times a day she wants me to move to WV,how I should just go it and go.seriously, i've limited her WV  rantings to twice a day only with no carrying over.I'm not single so I can't just go.I honestly don't know what we are waiting for...for Jersey to suck us dry??We're dying here.This isn't how it's supposed to be.
I'm supposed to be the lady of my own home.Our own home.My children play together outside on their swingset and the dog barks and I'm at my kitchen window looking out at them playing while I do dishes or make brownies.Or maybe i'm outside with them and they are helping me collect fruits and veggies from our garden or flowers to cut and place in a vase on our kitchen table.The house is clean-ish with visible signs of being happily lived in-a fully loaded dishwasher,sandwich crumbs on the table,puppy prints on the clean foor and various toys spilled from bedrooms to the livingroom,parenting magazines on the coffe table and homeschooling suplies in the back classroom.
Great.Here come the tears.
I'm supposed to find out I'm pregnant and be swung around joyously by my husband as he can't stop kissing me.he brings me surprise flowers the next day and  after brushing teeth,saying prayers and telling bedtime stories we snuggle alone together and watch a movie we both can honestly say we enjoyed when it's over.
I know I'm supposed to be content in all situations but I just can't anymore.I'm ALWAYS alone and my only company is a demanding 3 year old.When Brianna learned to talk and stand and wave there was no one there but Sierra for me to share it with.The house is not ours it's his grandmom's and it's still stuck in the 70's with anavacado colored dryer,brown carpeting and orangey brown paneling with seafaring paintings.There is no room for our things so it all just looks unkempt and cluttered.John comes home and after the intial hugs and "how was your day?" he retreats to his video games or the back room to watch UFC.
My mom thinks I'm either depressed or manic.Great, my mom thinks I'm nuts.
I don't feel like a normal woman but i know I'm not nuts.It's spiritual and situational.And financial.i know-everybody can say there is never enough money.But most of the people  saying it need to shut up and get off their tailored behinds and stop using their Blackberry's long enough to realize you truly don't have enough when the cashier at shoprite tells you to go to Catholic charities because you keep answering"because we can't afford it" to your 3 year old's constant"Why can't I have...." questions while you're counting out $40 in ones for a week's worth of food.
I can't keep the house clean enough because there's nowhere to put stuff.If we were to move into our own home, we'd have next to nothing.
So yeah, I yelled at the Creator of Heaven and Earth.I'm waiting to be sent to Hell.i didn't mean to ,but at the same time I did.i mean, He controls all things and we are REALLY REALLY trying to be faithful and wise with money and keep praying and expecting a blessing like we keep being told to do....but it's just not coming.At the risk of sounding like my preschooler- I WANT MY OWN HOME LORD!!! I WANT MY OWN HOME WHERE I CAN DEDICATE IT ALL TO YOU-WHERE MY HUSBAND IS HAPPY TO COME HOME,WHERE THERE IS ROOM FOR ALL OUR THINGS,WHERE WE CAN AFFORD TO LIVE,WHERE I CAN HOLD BIBLE STUDIES AND HAVE FRIENDS OF MINE AND MY CHILDREN COME OVE AND FELLOWSHIP AND PRAY AND VISIT!!!!I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!!
here come the tears again
Yet with all this torment and rage and pain blowing around inside me, to look at me I bet i just look tired,kinda sad and would be asked a million times,"what's wrong?".
the sad thing is,i don't know what's wrong.

Friday August 18, 2006

Hello, My name is Maria and I'm a breeder.
One of my best friends in the whole world is pregnant again.I am so happy for her, i really am.I've told myself and others that I don't want anymore babies for awhile because there are days when I can scarcely care for the 2 that I have and keep my sanity.It's funny how even after you graduate you continue to learn-if even only about yourself.
i want a baby again.i love the feeling of life moving within me.I love sitting at night and dreaming about whether it's another girl or will this be the boy John wants.I love washing and neatly folding tiny jeans and dresses and socks.I love laying on the noisy papered OBGYN table staring up at the stork mobile and hearing my child's heartbeat.I love feeling  my most womanly and feminine and delicate.I love waddling around showing off how much john and i love each other without saying a word and even if he's not there.i love anxiously awaiting the delivery,and the cravings and watching my belly move at night.I love being with John the way a wife is meant to be with her husband without restrictions and precautions.And I love telling the children that came before EVERY night about the special surprise that is coming.
But at the same time there are so many things that pregnancy causes that I am SO happy about not having to deal with right now.I often lay awake at night & have nightmares about the Rapture and terrorrists torturing my children in front of me or me in front f them.I can see the horror and panic in their pleading little eyes.i hate needles and with the undoubted issues of my blood sugar rising and falling while preggie, I'll be getting reacquainted with the syringes at least five times per blood test visit, waddling out with bruised arms so sore I can't move them.i faint-alot-when getting my blood drawn and I hate that.With my last pregnancy i had to drive almost an hour away to see a specialist about the gestational diabetes while toting around 2 year old Sierra and keeping her occupied and happy.She was like my coach,my partner in crime.She came with me on EVERY appt.,near or far,regular, or ultrasound or other.She got a firsthand crash course in pregnancy before she was potty trained.I can't fathom toting Brianna and Sierra alone too(John was always at work).Walking and breathing are hard and trying to keep one let alone 2 children happy, a house clean,bills paid and food on the table all while being full with life and sharing a car is enough to kill me.
The discouraging looks.My MIL asked if I was sure it wasn't a cancer mass when we told about Sierra(I think she was hoping,not asking) and both inlaws took Brianna's news like i told them i was going a vacation to Europe w/out john(YOU're what?!NO!WHY?!Come ON!)They actualy drove me to tears and yelling at them.
Mom was the only who has ever truly been happy with my having babies.John wasn't ready for Sierra so I was afraid to tell him and he took it like i told him I broke his PS2- not well.he was prepared for Brianna but wanted to hold off on her but "gave in" anyway.He took that news better, but noting like Scott gives Crystal.
Yes, i admit it!Crucify me!I'm finally jealous of someone.How could i not be?We come from the same circumstances, heck, sometimes even the same regard to another pregnancy from our hubbies.But he smiles, is happy and loves his wife.He thinks of her morning sickness and brings flowers to brighten her day.He realizes that though they may not be ready at that present time-God said it was time and he loves her and their baby before the child even takes a form.
Mine.i have to "break the news" to him and I'm always a little afraid.i realize i didn't do it to myself and yet somehow i always feel it's my fault.Like babies are a bad thing.i've never gotten flowers or been hugged tightly with that sincere"My God.We're having a BABY!!!!"At my sickest he even left for work with me puking in pain and Sierra screaming at the front door,"Daddy don't go!"He actually shut the door on her and left.That did something to me WAY past broke my heart and i couldn't even comfort her because she was scared to death to come near me.It was the first and only time she had seen me so violently ill and it terrified her and then Daddy left her alone.I hated him.Fortuneatly though, mom called to check in on me and when I told her what happened she gave him an earful and he came back.Whoopie.
John's not a creep-trust me.He just has cretan moments.Heck, I'm almost glad he does-it's verifies he is in fact flesh and blood and not a card carrying member of the Heavenly Host.But i wish he nagged more about the dishes or the way I cook-just not babies.I could deal with hi not wanting a meal cause the food didn't smell or look right or not wanting to talk to me till the house was cleaner, but not the look inhis eyes while he's trying to plaster a fake smile and hide disappointment in his voice.He's my best friend.I would live and die for him.I feel lost and lonely when he's gone.But the issue we have with babies could easily be the one thing that could break us p, if anything were to.He is as bull headed about waiting till he's good and ready as I am about letting go and falling into the Lord's hands.We both want what we want when we want it.
I'm sorry Crystal.I'm sorry I'm jealous of what you have with Scott.i know it's wrong but it breaks my heart that John can't be the same way.I've given birth to 2 beautiful healthy jesus-lovin' little girls, and I'm the only one that trulywanted them.He'd never wish anything bad on them I know, but if he could have post poned them he would have.
I know everyting I said about wanting to wait and agreeing with him on this one.But a small part of me wants to go thru a pregnancy right alongside my best friend.Even now i'm afraid to tell him how I feel.i hate keeping it to myself....The saddest thing is that I can't tell my best friend something,so unless I die and he finds this, he'll never know I how really felt.
I better stop here.Brianna is up from her nap and is crying.I wanna cry too.Maybe I am pregnant.

Friday July 28, 2006

I'm sorry I'm such a horrible Xanger.I get so busy with doing things around here and checking my email and Myspace that i forget I even have Xanga too.
My family (mom and johnny)came to stay for a week and a few days and it was really can they go,go,go!!!I'm a very quiet,scheduled homebody.My mom just GOES!!!All day trips to the Boardwalk, waterpark, massages, shopping, parties, bbq's, visting, walks,beaches,.....Gosh!!
i mean seriously,she would stay out half the night if I hadn't said the girls needed to get to bed.Naptimes were nonexistent and bedtimes were EXTREMELY late!Sierra was hyper and acted up and the baby was extra whiny and clingy.i couldn't wait to get the usual way of life back.
I really miss her again.She was the burst of energy and life that was missing in our home.I'm glad it's quiet again, but I'm glad she gave us that week long breath of life.
Brianna is almost standing on her own for longer than a few seconds and she finally has her first tooth!It's coming in on bottom and she's a drooling bundle of pride!

Saturday June 17, 2006

The Glorified Servant
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life
As the mark on my wrist would suggest, my life is not my own-just as the ring on my finger says my body belongs to my husband and his to me.The scar on my abdomen says my body also,for a time, belonged to my children.i am really striving for a higher calling.i mean,I guess I always have.I've been saved since I was 5.But when you get saved that young, it becomes integrated into your life and woven into your personality.Christ is just part of who I am.
Not that I am him-by far i am not.But being A Christian has always been who I am .During my adolescence i guess you can say I was backslidden-or not.i dunno what you'd call it.I knew who i was and wanted to be, but I was expected to be darn near perfect.Perfect grades,personality,Christian walk,...Perfect child.Do u know what kind of pressure that puts on a kid?
I was 10 when my mom remarried.She met him in November '92,engaged in december,married january 20th and pregnant with my brother by Valentine's day.For a girl who had been the center of her adults' worlds and an only child since she was born....that's pretty traumatic.So how did i rebel?
i went skimpy, but modestly.The shorts got shorter,the tops got smaller and the confidence,though fake and shallow skyrocketed.i couldn't understand how guys in my neighborhood and church fell apart just at the mention of my name- but at school I was a joke.Tom was just plain abusive.I think it was partly from him and partly from my unsatisfying home life that i learned to become what my mom calls a cerebral assassin.It was for protection of my heart and mind.
Anyway,my common sense never allowed me to do anything to dangerous.i spent the day in school excelling and loathing most of my classmates for how they treated me,came home to rasie my brother while my stepdad drank himself stupid and my mom floated between the spiritual hemispheres and the depths of the world of depression.i was basically raising myself .But through it all I managed to keep what God thought of me in the forefront of my mind, though not always evident in my actions.
I'll be held accountable for the blatant disregard I showed Him alot of the time excusing my sin as the only way i could be me- i mean my life was falling apart and I had to do it everyday with a smile and an A+.
But thank the Lord for nightfall.Especially in summer.As soon as my brother was in bed I went for my walk.Once in a blue moon it was to seek out the hot summer boys whose hearts i collected like the hunted heads on a wall.That was for my flesh and ego.i needed to hear from someone that i was pretty(actually the term I always heard was,"D**n,girl-you are fine!)it was fleeting and heavy flirting was all i was after,I loved to turn down dates from total strangers.It was powerful food to my ego.I remember when i was 15 I actually got 15 marriage proposals 1 summer!!
But even thru this shallow living,the majority of my nights were spent with God.Like Adam,we walked together in the cool of the day.i love this passage because I can relate so much to it.After the toxicity of the day was  through wearing away at me, evening came and I rested and regenerated my soul with Jesus.To the 3rd party I was plain nuts.i walked up and down streets and through the woods talking aloud to God like there were 2 of us there.i asked Him questions,cried,yelled,explained my self.It was like dating-I was in Love.Real love.i could barely survive the day to get to the point in it where it was just me and my Beloved.He understood me and was always so kind and non judgmental.I wrote poetry laying on my back in the woods and it was all for Him.I sang and I know he heard me,I cried and he sent the Comforter.i was raging and full of hate and self loathing and He listened and brought to mind why he loved me and how precious I was to Him-how he couldn't live without me so he died for me.The intensity of the images in my mind of how he was tortured for me b4 I even knew Him made me nauseous and filled my eyes with tears.i was and am so unworthy of what he did, yet because he did it i must be worthy and saying that i wasn't was almost a slap in the face to him.
When I met John I got to incorporate what God had taught me about love into our relationship.i mean i was in love once before with another boy(yeah,him.Anyone who knows me knows who i mean)i would've loved him the way God had taught me to Love-i wanted to so badly.A feeling that intense and wonderful had to be real and last.So I told,or rather wrote the words"I love you" to him when I knew he was leaving.i had never told anyone outside of family those words before.i meant them and i wanted to desperatly to hear them back.
i didn't.I barely got a recognition of my statement.I had my first broken heart.It's funny, unless you've had one u never know that it really does hurt.I remember sobbing uncontrollably on my mom's bedroom floor curled up in a fetal position and clutching my chest.I felt for sure i was dying it hurt so bad.i never want to feel that pain again.And as I lay there,all mom could do was stroke my hair and reassure me that yes,this hurts but it will go away.Love is kind.What i was going thru was less than kind.
Well, thinking back on it still hurts but nowhere near what it did.Through my relationship with john,i see what my mother was tying to tell me.The only pain we ever felt was usually dished out crap from other people.We have bonded together from day 1 and have talked either in person or on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE WE MET.i swear.That's gotta be some kind of record.
But as I said before,through my love relationship with God i learned how to correctly love John.With his other guy, i was doing all the work,all the trying and all the pursuing.God taught me you don't have to do that kind of work until after the relationship is established.He comes to you and you either accept Him or not.If you go to Him,he will never lead you around and play with you.Once you have the relationship with him,then comes the work, but even there he is gracious.The striving is in his strength, not yours.The work is never on his part, but yours-to read the Bible is like reading love letters from him to you: full of encouragement,romance,compassionate instruction and funny pray is like when i talk to john-i want to and i need to.talking to my love is like a drug-i literally go crazy wheni can't and always find a way to.i need to hear his voice and what he has to say.
So yeah,falling in love with God taught me how to fall in love with to behave and speak and think and expect of not only myself but him as well.Now begins the new chapter in my life as His servant.
i'm learning that the world is bigger than the walls that surround my family and the people out there are confusesd(though they don't know it),hurting(thugh they make light of it)and going to Hell thinking there's a party at the end of the line.
My job as His ambassador, is to do my very best to reflect the Lord in me.I'm stepping out of my comfort zone in small steps so that He will one day see me as ready for his use in big steps.I began tonight by making a big dinner for a family of 5-no big deal right?wrong.try doing it when you can barely feed your own family.
i went to my brother in law's graduation last night.Fun right?True, but scary.I hate the way I look since giving birth 2 times over and i feel very insecure without John by my side.I'm not 16 anymore and some people haven't seen me since i was.So I mask it with humor and pleasantries and hope no one sees me the way i do.
i used to not care less what people thought of me unless they actually meant something to me.Last week my neighbor 3 doors down told me very nicely that Salem(my cat) is pooping in her garden.Normally i'd be like,"yeah,and?"But i wsn't this time.I went out and bought cat repellent after apologizing and sprinkled her garden with it.
I go to Bible study on Thursdays,work in the nursery every 2nd Sunday,actually know people's names at church and not just their faces or their kids-I even am branching out and incorporating my sewing business into little subtle testiomonies so i care share Jesus without coming on to strong.
I want to live for the Love of my Life since he died for His.(That's me!)And you!Some people think Jesus died for the saved.He did not.He died for everyone, but mainly the Lost and the non believing.That way they could be saved.
Think of it this know what your life is without Jesus.Everything on you,you are in charge and responsible for all the good and bad and in between that you accrue.When you are up it's fleeting and when you are down who's ALWAYS there,24 hours a day...365 a year?Eventually people get tired of you and your crap.You get tired of you and your crap.Life is a ratrace or better yet-a hamster in a wheel.You live for yourself without any real purpose,your discontented with Life and always seem to be searching for something---a feeling,a person,something to fill your time or a void- you don't know what.
Now picture your Life with Jesus.Couldn't be any worse than u are right now.Go ahead and give him a try.What have you got to lose?You've already got Eternity to gain.just depends on where you'll be spending it and there are only 2 options.
Still not sure?How 'bout this.Wouldn't u rather live like there is a God and find out there isn't than live like there isn't and find out there is?If you do,message me here,post a bulletin or whatever.i want to help you find peace and contentment in your self and in your Life.
God bless,

Saturday June 17, 2006

13 days and counting...
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Life
I can hardly believe my little baby is gonna be 3 in 13 days!I know,I know.Technically that's still a baby.But if you knew her,she's really not.I've heard since the day they pulled her out of my tummy how gorgeous she is...and not trying to be a mom, but she really is.It's scary.i worry everyday that we have just walked past,talked to or smiled at some perv pedophile in scares me how if she waves or smiles at you and you say hi back,automatically you are a "really nice man/lady" in her eyes.i try to warn her not everyone who acknowledges you is nice,but I don't want her to be scared of the world either.I guess that's where her smarts will have to kick in and mature.
She's too smart too.She will warm up to you easily and hold  nearly full adult conversations with you if you can get past her helium voice.i had the pleasure of explaining feminine hygiene products to her when she asked what the lady was buying in Shoprite today.It was Kotex pads.Have you ever tried to explain periods and womanhood to a 2¾ year old?The funny thing is,i think she understood.She was happy to announce she doesn't have to get Kotex yet because she's a big girl,not a lady ye!
Kind.That is one of the best words for Sierra.She is sweet natured and kind-a mommy true to her heart.You should see the way she babies Brianna.That is her baby.Whenever someone stops to admire Sierra, instead of bashfully saying thank you to their gobs of syrupy compliments, she quickly turns the attention to how pretty"my baby brianna" is.She says this has she caresses Brianna's round cheeks and silky chocolate hair.i've never seen a child-or anyone for that matter-so excited and eager to help change a diaper,wrap it up and throw it away,get a knew one,give a bath to a baby or feed one.Everything i do she wants to help-care for the baby is her favorite, but also do dishes and take out trash and feed Neo and Salem(our dog and cat) and the laundry.Yesterday she carried the laundry basket(bigger than she) into the laundry room and emptied the dryer for me.i told her thank you so much for being a big helper, but she defiantly responded,"Sit down,Mommy.i'm not done helping yet."And with that she pushed the heavy loaded basket all the way back to the living room and began helping me fold it all away.
i love her innocense.The same day as above she asked why she can't hear jesus when she prays.I told her because He has such a little quiet and gentle voice for those he loves.She said,"Yes but i want to know he hears me."No amount of reassuring that He does hear her made her feel any,looking at my last birthday balloon i had an idea.i suggested we write Jesus a letter,tie it to a balloon and send it to Heaven.So we did.She told me what to write,and I did:"Dear Jesus,Thank you for my sister Brianna and my puppy and Salem-even though Neo's a bad boy.Thank you for mommy and Daddy.i love you.Come back soon.Love,Sierra".it brought tears to my eyes as I rolled it up and tied it to the balloon string,thankful it didn't weigh it down.We took it outside and counted to 3 and she let go of it screaming for Jesus to "look,I'm sending you a letter." it went all the way up over our house and into a thick mass of grey clouds where it disappeared and the "messenger angel got it and took it the rest of the way to Jesus.
The only problem now is,she wants the balloon back!

Happy Birthday,Sierra my love!

Thursday June 1, 2006

...sent to me from my friend in a christian mommies group:
IF you drink diet SODAS or diet drink or use fake sugar please read

In October of 2001, my sister started getting very sick, she had
stomach spasms, she was having a hard time getting around, to walk
was a major chore. It took everything she had just to get out of
bed, she was in so much pain. By March 2002, she had undergone
biopsies, and was on 24 various prescription medications. The
doctors could not figure out what was wrong with her. She was in so
much pain, and so sick, she knew she was dying.

She put her house, bank accounts, life insurance, etc., in her
oldest daughters name, and made sure her younger children were to be
with her oldest daughter.She wanted her last hooray, so she planned
a trip to Florida (basically Ina wheelchair) for March 22nd. On
March 19th I called her to ask her how one of her tests went, and
she said they didn't find anything on the test, but they believe she
had MS. I thought, oh, my....then I recalled an article a
friend of mine emailed to me..and I asked her...Do you drink Diet

She told me yes, as a matter of fact she was getting ready to crack
one open that moment, I told her not to open it, and stop drinking
the diet pop....and I emailed her the following article. She called
me within 32 hours after our phone conversation and told me she
stopped drinking the diet pop, and she can walk...she went up the
stairs, and the muscle spasms went away. She said she didn't feel
100% but sure felt a lot better. She told me she was going to her
doctors with this article and would call me back when she got home.

She called me, and her doctor was amazed, he is going to call all of
his MS patients to find out if they consumed artificial sweetener.
In a nutshell,she was being poisoned by the aspartame in the diet
soda, dying a slowdeath.

When she got to FL March 22nd, all she had to take was one pill, and
that was a pill for poisoning....she is well on her way to
recovery.!....and she is walking!!! No wheelchair!!!! This article
saved her life!
The life saving article:

If it says "SUGAR FREE," on the label, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! I
have spent several days lecturing at the WORLD ENVIRONMENTAL
CONFERENCE on "ASPARTAME" marketed as 'NutraSweet,' 'Equal,'
and 'Spoonful.' In the keynote address by the EPA, it was announced
that in the United States in 2001 there is an epidemic of multiple
sclerosis and systemic lupus, that it was hard to understand what
toxin was causing this to be rampant. I stood up and said that I was
there to lecture on exactly that subject.

I will explain why Aspartame is so dangerous: When the temperature
of this sweetener exceeds 86 degrees F, the wood alcohol in
ASPARTAME converts to Formaldehyde and then to formic acid, which in
turn causes metabolic acidosis. (Formic acid is the poison found in
the sting of fire ants.) Themethanol toxicity mimics among other
conditions multiple sclerosis. People were being diagnosed with
having multiple sclerosis in error. The multiple sclerosis is not a
death sentence, where methanol toxicity is!

Systemic lupus has become almost as rampant as multiple sclerosis,
especially with Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi drinkers. The victim
usually does not know that the aspartame is the culprit. He or she
continues its use, irritating the lupus to such a degree that it may
become life-threatening We have seen patients with systemic lupus
become asymptotic once taken off diet sodas. In the case of those
diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, (when in reality, the disease is
methanol toxicity
most of the symptoms disappear.
We've seen many cases where vision returned and hearing improved
markedly. This also applies to cases of tinnitus.

During a lecture I said "If you are using ASPARTAME (NutraSweet,
Equal, Spoonful, etc.) and you suffer from fibromyalgia symptoms,
spasms, shooting pains, numbness in your legs, cramps, vertigo,
dizziness, headaches, tinnitus, joint pain,depression, anxiety
attacks, slurred speech, blurred vision, or memory loss-you probably
have ASPARTAME DISEASE!" People were jumping up during the
lecture saying, I've got some of these symptoms: Is it reversible?"
Yes, Not drinking diet sodas and keeping an eye out for aspartame on
food labels,yes!

We have a very serious problem. A stranger came up to Dr. Espisto
(one of my speakers) and me and said: "Could you tell me why so many
people seem to be coming down with M S?" During a visit to a
hospice, a nurse said that six of her friends, who were heavy Diet
Coke addicts, had all been diagnosed with MS. This is beyond
coincidence! Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi, etc. IS NOT A DIET PRODUCT!

The Congressional Record states that it makes you crave
carbohydrates and will make you FAT. The formaldehyde stores in the
fat cells, particularly no
significant increase in exercise, etc., Dr. Roberts in his lecture
stated that he had patient who lost an average of 19 pounds over a
trial period.

Aspartame is especially dangerous for diabetics. We found that
physicians would believe that they have a patient with retinopathy,
when in fact the symptoms are caused by aspartame. The aspartame
drives the blood sugar out of control. Thus diabetics may suffer
acute memory loss due to the fact that aspartic acid and
phenylalanine are neurotoxic with out the other amino acids found in
protein. Thus it passes the blood brain barrier and deteriorates the
neurons of the brain, causing in diabetics (as well as in patients
not suffering from diabetes) various kinds of brain damage,
seizures, depression, manic depression, panic attacks, rage,
(The Aspartame in thousands of pallets of diet Coke and
diet Pepsi consumed by men and women fighting in the Gulf War, may
be partially to blame for the well-known Gulf War Syndrome.

Dr. Roberts warns that it can cause birth defects i.e. mental
retardation if taken at the time of conception and early pregnancy.
Children are especially at risk for neurological disorders and
should NOT be given NutraSweet. I can relate different case
histories of children having mal seizures and other disturbances
being on NutraSweet.

Unfortunately it is not always easy to convince a mother that
aspartame is to blame for her child's illness. Only by trial and
success will she be able
to warn other mothers to take their children's health in their own

Stevia, a sweet herb, NOT A MANUFACTURED ADDITIVE, which helps in
the metabolism of sugar (which would be ideal for diabetics) has now
approved as a dietary supplement by the FDA. For years the FDA has
outlawed this sweet food because of their loyalty to MONSANTO.

Books on this subject are available: EXCITOTOXINS: THE TASTE THAT
KILLS - written by Dr. Russell Blayblock (Health Press 1-800-643-
Roberts, also a diabetic specialist. These two doctors will be
posting a position paper with some case histories on the deadly
effects of Aspartame on the Internet.

According to the Conference of the American College of
Physicians! "we are talking about a plague of neurological diseases
caused by this deadly poison." Here is the problem: There were
Congressional Hearings when
aspartame was included in 100 different products. Since this initial
hearing, there have been two subsequent hearings, but to no avail.
Nothing has been done. The drug and chemical lobbies have very deep
pockets. Now there are over 5,000 products containing this chemical,

I assure you, MONSANTO, the creator of Aspartame knows how deadly it
is. They fund among others, the American Diabetes Association, the
American Dietetic Association, the Conference of the American
College of Physicians This has been exposed in the New York Times -
to no avail. These Associations cannot Criticize any additives or
convey their link to MONSANTO because they take money from the food
industry and have to endorse! their products. Senator Howard
Hetzenbaum wrote a bill that would have warned all infants, pregnant
mothers and children of the dangers of aspartame. The bill would h
ave also instituted independent studies on the problems existing in
the population (seizures, changes in brain chemistry, changes
neurological and behavioral; symptoms). It was killed by the
powerful drug and chemical lobbies, letting loose the hounds of
disease and death on an unsuspecting public!

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