Hello, My name is Maria and I'm a breeder.
One of my best friends in the whole world is pregnant again.I am so happy for her, i really am.I've told myself and others that I don't want anymore babies for awhile because there are days when I can scarcely care for the 2 that I have and keep my sanity.It's funny how even after you graduate you continue to learn-if even only about yourself.
i want a baby again.i love the feeling of life moving within me.I love sitting at night and dreaming about whether it's another girl or will this be the boy John wants.I love washing and neatly folding tiny jeans and dresses and socks.I love laying on the noisy papered OBGYN table staring up at the stork mobile and hearing my child's heartbeat.I love feeling my most womanly and feminine and delicate.I love waddling around showing off how much john and i love each other without saying a word and even if he's not there.i love anxiously awaiting the delivery,and the cravings and watching my belly move at night.I love being with John the way a wife is meant to be with her husband without restrictions and precautions.And I love telling the children that came before EVERY night about the special surprise that is coming.
But at the same time there are so many things that pregnancy causes that I am SO happy about not having to deal with right now.I often lay awake at night & have nightmares about the Rapture and terrorrists torturing my children in front of me or me in front f them.I can see the horror and panic in their pleading little eyes.i hate needles and with the undoubted issues of my blood sugar rising and falling while preggie, I'll be getting reacquainted with the syringes at least five times per blood test visit, waddling out with bruised arms so sore I can't move them.i faint-alot-when getting my blood drawn and I hate that.With my last pregnancy i had to drive almost an hour away to see a specialist about the gestational diabetes while toting around 2 year old Sierra and keeping her occupied and happy.She was like my coach,my partner in crime.She came with me on EVERY appt.,near or far,regular, or ultrasound or other.She got a firsthand crash course in pregnancy before she was potty trained.I can't fathom toting Brianna and Sierra alone too(John was always at work).Walking and breathing are hard and trying to keep one let alone 2 children happy, a house clean,bills paid and food on the table all while being full with life and sharing a car is enough to kill me.
The discouraging looks.My MIL asked if I was sure it wasn't a cancer mass when we told about Sierra(I think she was hoping,not asking) and both inlaws took Brianna's news like i told them i was going a vacation to Europe w/out john(YOU're what?!NO!WHY?!Come ON!)They actualy drove me to tears and yelling at them.
Mom was the only who has ever truly been happy with my having babies.John wasn't ready for Sierra so I was afraid to tell him and he took it like i told him I broke his PS2- not well.he was prepared for Brianna but wanted to hold off on her but "gave in" anyway.He took that news better, but noting like Scott gives Crystal.
Yes, i admit it!Crucify me!I'm finally jealous of someone.How could i not be?We come from the same circumstances, heck, sometimes even the same regard to another pregnancy from our hubbies.But he smiles, is happy and loves his wife.He thinks of her morning sickness and brings flowers to brighten her day.He realizes that though they may not be ready at that present time-God said it was time and he loves her and their baby before the child even takes a form.
Mine.i have to "break the news" to him and I'm always a little afraid.i realize i didn't do it to myself and yet somehow i always feel it's my fault.Like babies are a bad thing.i've never gotten flowers or been hugged tightly with that sincere"My God.We're having a BABY!!!!"At my sickest he even left for work with me puking in pain and Sierra screaming at the front door,"Daddy don't go!"He actually shut the door on her and left.That did something to me WAY past broke my heart and i couldn't even comfort her because she was scared to death to come near me.It was the first and only time she had seen me so violently ill and it terrified her and then Daddy left her alone.I hated him.Fortuneatly though, mom called to check in on me and when I told her what happened she gave him an earful and he came back.Whoopie.
John's not a creep-trust me.He just has cretan moments.Heck, I'm almost glad he does-it's verifies he is in fact flesh and blood and not a card carrying member of the Heavenly Host.But i wish he nagged more about the dishes or the way I cook-just not babies.I could deal with hi not wanting a meal cause the food didn't smell or look right or not wanting to talk to me till the house was cleaner, but not the look inhis eyes while he's trying to plaster a fake smile and hide disappointment in his voice.He's my best friend.I would live and die for him.I feel lost and lonely when he's gone.But the issue we have with babies could easily be the one thing that could break us p, if anything were to.He is as bull headed about waiting till he's good and ready as I am about letting go and falling into the Lord's hands.We both want what we want when we want it.
I'm sorry Crystal.I'm sorry I'm jealous of what you have with Scott.i know it's wrong but it breaks my heart that John can't be the same way.I've given birth to 2 beautiful healthy jesus-lovin' little girls, and I'm the only one that trulywanted them.He'd never wish anything bad on them I know, but if he could have post poned them he would have.
I know everyting I said about wanting to wait and agreeing with him on this one.But a small part of me wants to go thru a pregnancy right alongside my best friend.Even now i'm afraid to tell him how I feel.i hate keeping it to myself....The saddest thing is that I can't tell my best friend something,so unless I die and he finds this, he'll never know I how really felt.
I better stop here.Brianna is up from her nap and is crying.I wanna cry too.Maybe I am pregnant.