Friday, August 12, 2011

Saturday June 17, 2006

The Glorified Servant
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life
As the mark on my wrist would suggest, my life is not my own-just as the ring on my finger says my body belongs to my husband and his to me.The scar on my abdomen says my body also,for a time, belonged to my children.i am really striving for a higher calling.i mean,I guess I always have.I've been saved since I was 5.But when you get saved that young, it becomes integrated into your life and woven into your personality.Christ is just part of who I am.
Not that I am him-by far i am not.But being A Christian has always been who I am .During my adolescence i guess you can say I was backslidden-or not.i dunno what you'd call it.I knew who i was and wanted to be, but I was expected to be darn near perfect.Perfect grades,personality,Christian walk,...Perfect child.Do u know what kind of pressure that puts on a kid?
I was 10 when my mom remarried.She met him in November '92,engaged in december,married january 20th and pregnant with my brother by Valentine's day.For a girl who had been the center of her adults' worlds and an only child since she was born....that's pretty traumatic.So how did i rebel?
i went skimpy, but modestly.The shorts got shorter,the tops got smaller and the confidence,though fake and shallow skyrocketed.i couldn't understand how guys in my neighborhood and church fell apart just at the mention of my name- but at school I was a joke.Tom was just plain abusive.I think it was partly from him and partly from my unsatisfying home life that i learned to become what my mom calls a cerebral assassin.It was for protection of my heart and mind.
Anyway,my common sense never allowed me to do anything to dangerous.i spent the day in school excelling and loathing most of my classmates for how they treated me,came home to rasie my brother while my stepdad drank himself stupid and my mom floated between the spiritual hemispheres and the depths of the world of depression.i was basically raising myself .But through it all I managed to keep what God thought of me in the forefront of my mind, though not always evident in my actions.
I'll be held accountable for the blatant disregard I showed Him alot of the time excusing my sin as the only way i could be me- i mean my life was falling apart and I had to do it everyday with a smile and an A+.
But thank the Lord for nightfall.Especially in summer.As soon as my brother was in bed I went for my walk.Once in a blue moon it was to seek out the hot summer boys whose hearts i collected like the hunted heads on a wall.That was for my flesh and ego.i needed to hear from someone that i was pretty(actually the term I always heard was,"D**n,girl-you are fine!)it was fleeting and heavy flirting was all i was after,I loved to turn down dates from total strangers.It was powerful food to my ego.I remember when i was 15 I actually got 15 marriage proposals 1 summer!!
But even thru this shallow living,the majority of my nights were spent with God.Like Adam,we walked together in the cool of the day.i love this passage because I can relate so much to it.After the toxicity of the day was  through wearing away at me, evening came and I rested and regenerated my soul with Jesus.To the 3rd party I was plain nuts.i walked up and down streets and through the woods talking aloud to God like there were 2 of us there.i asked Him questions,cried,yelled,explained my self.It was like dating-I was in Love.Real love.i could barely survive the day to get to the point in it where it was just me and my Beloved.He understood me and was always so kind and non judgmental.I wrote poetry laying on my back in the woods and it was all for Him.I sang and I know he heard me,I cried and he sent the Comforter.i was raging and full of hate and self loathing and He listened and brought to mind why he loved me and how precious I was to Him-how he couldn't live without me so he died for me.The intensity of the images in my mind of how he was tortured for me b4 I even knew Him made me nauseous and filled my eyes with tears.i was and am so unworthy of what he did, yet because he did it i must be worthy and saying that i wasn't was almost a slap in the face to him.
When I met John I got to incorporate what God had taught me about love into our relationship.i mean i was in love once before with another boy(yeah,him.Anyone who knows me knows who i mean)i would've loved him the way God had taught me to Love-i wanted to so badly.A feeling that intense and wonderful had to be real and last.So I told,or rather wrote the words"I love you" to him when I knew he was leaving.i had never told anyone outside of family those words before.i meant them and i wanted to desperatly to hear them back.
i didn't.I barely got a recognition of my statement.I had my first broken heart.It's funny, unless you've had one u never know that it really does hurt.I remember sobbing uncontrollably on my mom's bedroom floor curled up in a fetal position and clutching my chest.I felt for sure i was dying it hurt so bad.i never want to feel that pain again.And as I lay there,all mom could do was stroke my hair and reassure me that yes,this hurts but it will go away.Love is kind.What i was going thru was less than kind.
Well, thinking back on it still hurts but nowhere near what it did.Through my relationship with john,i see what my mother was tying to tell me.The only pain we ever felt was usually dished out crap from other people.We have bonded together from day 1 and have talked either in person or on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE WE MET.i swear.That's gotta be some kind of record.
But as I said before,through my love relationship with God i learned how to correctly love John.With his other guy, i was doing all the work,all the trying and all the pursuing.God taught me you don't have to do that kind of work until after the relationship is established.He comes to you and you either accept Him or not.If you go to Him,he will never lead you around and play with you.Once you have the relationship with him,then comes the work, but even there he is gracious.The striving is in his strength, not yours.The work is never on his part, but yours-to read the Bible is like reading love letters from him to you: full of encouragement,romance,compassionate instruction and funny pray is like when i talk to john-i want to and i need to.talking to my love is like a drug-i literally go crazy wheni can't and always find a way to.i need to hear his voice and what he has to say.
So yeah,falling in love with God taught me how to fall in love with to behave and speak and think and expect of not only myself but him as well.Now begins the new chapter in my life as His servant.
i'm learning that the world is bigger than the walls that surround my family and the people out there are confusesd(though they don't know it),hurting(thugh they make light of it)and going to Hell thinking there's a party at the end of the line.
My job as His ambassador, is to do my very best to reflect the Lord in me.I'm stepping out of my comfort zone in small steps so that He will one day see me as ready for his use in big steps.I began tonight by making a big dinner for a family of 5-no big deal right?wrong.try doing it when you can barely feed your own family.
i went to my brother in law's graduation last night.Fun right?True, but scary.I hate the way I look since giving birth 2 times over and i feel very insecure without John by my side.I'm not 16 anymore and some people haven't seen me since i was.So I mask it with humor and pleasantries and hope no one sees me the way i do.
i used to not care less what people thought of me unless they actually meant something to me.Last week my neighbor 3 doors down told me very nicely that Salem(my cat) is pooping in her garden.Normally i'd be like,"yeah,and?"But i wsn't this time.I went out and bought cat repellent after apologizing and sprinkled her garden with it.
I go to Bible study on Thursdays,work in the nursery every 2nd Sunday,actually know people's names at church and not just their faces or their kids-I even am branching out and incorporating my sewing business into little subtle testiomonies so i care share Jesus without coming on to strong.
I want to live for the Love of my Life since he died for His.(That's me!)And you!Some people think Jesus died for the saved.He did not.He died for everyone, but mainly the Lost and the non believing.That way they could be saved.
Think of it this know what your life is without Jesus.Everything on you,you are in charge and responsible for all the good and bad and in between that you accrue.When you are up it's fleeting and when you are down who's ALWAYS there,24 hours a day...365 a year?Eventually people get tired of you and your crap.You get tired of you and your crap.Life is a ratrace or better yet-a hamster in a wheel.You live for yourself without any real purpose,your discontented with Life and always seem to be searching for something---a feeling,a person,something to fill your time or a void- you don't know what.
Now picture your Life with Jesus.Couldn't be any worse than u are right now.Go ahead and give him a try.What have you got to lose?You've already got Eternity to gain.just depends on where you'll be spending it and there are only 2 options.
Still not sure?How 'bout this.Wouldn't u rather live like there is a God and find out there isn't than live like there isn't and find out there is?If you do,message me here,post a bulletin or whatever.i want to help you find peace and contentment in your self and in your Life.
God bless,

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