I'm in this weird sort of place right now.The best way i can put it is a very eery calm.I had a bad day yesterday.For the first time(that I can remember) I raged at God.I never have and I've always prided myself on that.I guess that's why I "fell".I feel so bad.I feel so guilty.Everyone told me I'd want another baby.I said they were crazy.They weren't.I am.
I yelled at God because I can't handle it anymore and I don't even know what"it" is.Life isn't what i thought it would be.Does that mean the honeymoon's over?the sun may be shining bright out there but I don't wanna be out there alone with my kids.i wanna be with john.
I have almost zero energy and I'm sick to DEATH of my mom telling me like 10 times a day she wants me to move to WV,how I should just go it and go.seriously, i've limited her WV rantings to twice a day only with no carrying over.I'm not single so I can't just go.I honestly don't know what we are waiting for...for Jersey to suck us dry??We're dying here.This isn't how it's supposed to be.
I'm supposed to be the lady of my own home.Our own home.My children play together outside on their swingset and the dog barks and I'm at my kitchen window looking out at them playing while I do dishes or make brownies.Or maybe i'm outside with them and they are helping me collect fruits and veggies from our garden or flowers to cut and place in a vase on our kitchen table.The house is clean-ish with visible signs of being happily lived in-a fully loaded dishwasher,sandwich crumbs on the table,puppy prints on the clean foor and various toys spilled from bedrooms to the livingroom,parenting magazines on the coffe table and homeschooling suplies in the back classroom.
Great.Here come the tears.
I'm supposed to find out I'm pregnant and be swung around joyously by my husband as he can't stop kissing me.he brings me surprise flowers the next day and after brushing teeth,saying prayers and telling bedtime stories we snuggle alone together and watch a movie we both can honestly say we enjoyed when it's over.
I know I'm supposed to be content in all situations but I just can't anymore.I'm ALWAYS alone and my only company is a demanding 3 year old.When Brianna learned to talk and stand and wave there was no one there but Sierra for me to share it with.The house is not ours it's his grandmom's and it's still stuck in the 70's with anavacado colored dryer,brown carpeting and orangey brown paneling with seafaring paintings.There is no room for our things so it all just looks unkempt and cluttered.John comes home and after the intial hugs and "how was your day?" he retreats to his video games or the back room to watch UFC.
My mom thinks I'm either depressed or manic.Great, my mom thinks I'm nuts.
I don't feel like a normal woman but i know I'm not nuts.It's spiritual and situational.And financial.i know-everybody can say there is never enough money.But most of the people saying it need to shut up and get off their tailored behinds and stop using their Blackberry's long enough to realize you truly don't have enough when the cashier at shoprite tells you to go to Catholic charities because you keep answering"because we can't afford it" to your 3 year old's constant"Why can't I have...." questions while you're counting out $40 in ones for a week's worth of food.
I can't keep the house clean enough because there's nowhere to put stuff.If we were to move into our own home, we'd have next to nothing.
So yeah, I yelled at the Creator of Heaven and Earth.I'm waiting to be sent to Hell.i didn't mean to ,but at the same time I did.i mean, He controls all things and we are REALLY REALLY trying to be faithful and wise with money and keep praying and expecting a blessing like we keep being told to do....but it's just not coming.At the risk of sounding like my preschooler- I WANT MY OWN HOME LORD!!! I WANT MY OWN HOME WHERE I CAN DEDICATE IT ALL TO YOU-WHERE MY HUSBAND IS HAPPY TO COME HOME,WHERE THERE IS ROOM FOR ALL OUR THINGS,WHERE WE CAN AFFORD TO LIVE,WHERE I CAN HOLD BIBLE STUDIES AND HAVE FRIENDS OF MINE AND MY CHILDREN COME OVE AND FELLOWSHIP AND PRAY AND VISIT!!!!I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!!
here come the tears again
Yet with all this torment and rage and pain blowing around inside me, to look at me I bet i just look tired,kinda sad and would be asked a million times,"what's wrong?".
the sad thing is,i don't know what's wrong.