Sunday, August 7, 2011

Thursday June 2, 2005

The past 2 weeks has really been taking it's toll on me.Not only have I been sick and in excruciating pain almost every morning, but my mom has gotten herself tangled up with an ex-con who she thought was a decent person but too late found out differently.This woman "befriended" my mom when she was most desperate for a friend, now mom is caught up in serious legal trouble.It's so serious that she most likely won't be here for Sierra's 2nd birthday or to watch her has planned when I go to have the new baby.
This messes everything up for me and my family.I know this sounds horribly selfish, but it's not.I'm the only one on mom's side,the only one who seems to care, although I think she's incredibly stupid for being near this woman against sound advice.I was the one she called when she got introuble and the one who's been trying to help from 500 + miles away.but you have to understand that she has been telling Sierra for months that "Grammie's comig for Happy to You".That's how Sierra says Happy birthday.She knows hers is only a few weeks away and if you ask what she wants for her birthday, she always says"Grammie".How do I have a party when Sierra will be looking among all her nutbar cousins and troubled relatives for her Grammie-who promised to be there and isn't?i keep hearing how resilent kids are, but I know mine and this will really hurt her.I have seen her really hurt and how she acts out because she can't express it in words.I don't want to deal with that on her birthday.It's not fair to her.She's just a baby.
As for babies, everyone knows i don't trust my MIL with Sierra alone.She doesn't respect me as her mother in front of her- what would she do with me not around for up to 4 days?i could ask Crystal for help, but she'll have her own new baby plus her son and family to think of.My fear is if I actually go into labor at night-who will be there for Sierra wile she sleeps or to put her through her bedtime routine if she's already awake? I could take her with us no matter what, but then when the actual deliver happens,John would have to leave her with a nurse to help me because he doesn't want to miss the birth.if I end up needing a C-section- I NEED someone there with me.The last one was horrendous and he was with me.I couldn't go it aone, but who would be with Sierra if John was in the OR with me?Oh and by the way, get this- her preliminary trial date- it's my birthday.Tomorrow, june 3rd.
My head hurts,my chest hurts,I'm hungry,sick again and scared.I hate her for being so stupid and screwing up everything.We had plans-we made them together.i warned her to stay away.I always warn her.She always asks my opinion and advice and never listens to me and horrible things always happen.I know she's my parent, but I'm not stupid!She raised me.(Back when she was strong and stable)Why won't she trust me?Why won't she trust herself?Why won't she trust GOD?

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