Saturday, August 6, 2011

Friday August 13, 2004

My anniversary was very nice.i received a dozen roses that were half white and half pinky-red.WE went to the mall where we just walked around for a few hours and then over to Motherhood Maternity to get a new outfit.It was so nice to get a nursing top- I've wanted one for a year now.I'd love more, but can't afford it.That'll probably be the last new anything I get myself for quite some time.
WE later went out to dinner at the Olive Garden.Sierra was pretty well behaved considering how young she is.I had a dish called the Tour of Italy.John treated me to dessert- a slice of Black Tie Chocolate Mousse cake.YUM!!!
There was no surprise like I thought there would be, but I guess i shouldn't have gotten my hopes up the way i did.The next couple days I was so hurt that I didn't get what I thought i would, I was in sort of an evil funk.i still kinda am, and not getting any sleep last night doesn't help.It's dark and rainy and I really just wanna be alone right now.I'm not and I can't exactly tell my company to leave, especially since Sierra is so hyped up with them now.
I wish I felt better.i keep reminding myself of all the things God has blessed me with and I am so thankful for them and for Him.But at the same time I really feel miserable right now...kinda like crying,kinda like screaming...i dunno.Sierra brings me so much joy, but lately it's like she doesn't wanna be around me except to nurse.i try to play and be cheerful with her, but then my mom and brother come over and she gets so excited to see them.i know that's a great thing and I'm happy she knows and loves them, it's just right now it really ticks me off that she is so whiny and moody with me when I'm trying my best to make her happy.Then my mom comes over and I disappear.She teaches her things that I wanna teach her,makes her smile in ways i don't seem to and i guess I'm babbling all this to say I'm jealous of her.
i mean, i know there will be rough days, but at times I anticipated those Tampax commercial days- sunny rainbows, doves flying and me running through flower studded fields laughing and swinging my giggling daughter high in the air, her soft curls tickling her cupid like face.
I feel like I get to do all the work...the diapers, the tantrums, the vaccines and inevitable illness that comes with them,the food flinging, the ocassional biting PLUS all the housework, the cooking, some yardwork,the checkbook balancing, the food shopping, the worrying....then my mom just shows up whenever, waltzes in and Sierra lights up and kicks her arms and legs in elation.They play and laugh and learn together and i stew.
the more I write this the more I dislike myself.That's pretty bad.HOW CAN I FEEL BETTER?!I've prayed, praised in song,counted my blessings and now I'm venting.Nothing's making me feel better.Maybe my mood is like this impending hurricane needs to wreak the havoc it intends to and then passes to reveal the brightest blue skies God can create and a rainbow that extends from here to Eternity.

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