Saturday November 13, 2004

I miss my boyfriend.

Calm down, I'm not having an affair!I mean John, before we got married.Remember all the little things your men would do for you before the wedding bells, and even a little bit after?

When John and I were apart, we'd leave each little notes everywhere-the mailboxes,our windshields,the doors of our homes.Sometimes there'd even be a daisy or a real store bought flower.We could talk for hours about everything or nothing at all..and kisses made us dizzy.He knew what I was going to say before I said it, and usually beat me to it!Sometimes we'd look at each other from opposite ends of a burning candle and just smile.

Now,I feel like I have to rush home in order to see him.I want to spend every waking minute with him, but I feel like he would rather pick and choose when he sees me scheduled around his hours long video gaming stretches or in between football quarters or ESPN commentaries.Today I had to take Sierra to the DR. while John was still home.By the time I got home, he had already left.No notes.No daisies.He never even bothered to straighten up a little bit-Kix remained scattered on the floor, last night's dishes piled high in the sink,his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor....you get the idea.I'm pretty sure he continued playing his football video game from the time I left(9:30am) until he left for work(11:20am).

DOn't get me wrong, I know he loves me.If he didn't then he wouldn't tell me all the time,or bother going to work, or do what I askBut it's the little things I miss most..ok, and a few of the big things.I never expected to marry a guy who I'd have to to literally pin to the floor and demand roses or ANYTHING I could get(ps I never got them).I've dropped hints,flat out asked and demanded.It's not worth it anymore.

I recently found out my engagement ring was fake.WE were very young when we got together- he went with his mom to pick it out when he was 17.He had at one point told me it was $900.I found out 3 nights ago it was $200.My heart is broken.The proposal couldn't have been more beautiful or perfect.A girl, if she does it right will only get 1.Mine was botched by a worthless ring.I specifically picked out my band to accompany the "diamond".It doesn't look right with any other ring.

I don't want to wear a band that was designed for a fakie.I know tis all sounds really bratty and materialistic, but it's more than that.I honestly don't feel marrie anymore.I don't feel valid.That ring told the world that someone loves me dearly and strived to pick out the most beautiful ring he could to tell the world so.It told the world that I was chosen and would soon belong to someone else.

Now people see me out with Siera and assume I'm some teen who "got into trouble".He said he'd get me another ring.But it'll never be the same.I could buy another ring myself and now it'd have about the same amount of worth behind it as it will if he gets it.

We went ring shopping.I picked out some affordable rings that rings that I liked.He wouldn't let me get them because they were too small.I said so what?I'm the 1 wearing it and the 1 who picked it out.He says wearing a small diamond says I'm married to a poor cheapskate who can't do any better than a chiplette.So we looked at diamonds he liked.There is NO way we can afford those!I told him I understand where he's coming from , but what does a girl with a fake ring tell the world?He stopped talking to me at that point.

I don't know what he wants from me.He tells me to tell him what I want, but then when I do, he won't do it!I love him to the point of obsession but I'm not happy with him, at least not right now.Maybe I should just forget wanting flowers, a real diamond, time alone with him....and just say hey, he's mine.Nobody elses.and be happy in that alone.