Sunday, August 7, 2011

Monday November 15, 2004

First off, I wanna thank Crystal for 2 things.1, getting the Caladryl I needed for Sierra( who may or may not have chix pox-your $4.49 is coming!) and 2, for the gorgeous letter she encouraged me with about my last entry.I know Cinderella and Charming must have had fights- if they didn't then they weren't human!
Still, I do wonder why we have to change.Why can't John still write me little notes on his lunch break or when he's home and I'm not?Why can't he think to to surprise me with flowers when he's vegging out to ESPN?Why is it, when we watch sappy movies or even romantic comedies, that when the characters are going thru the same thing we are and the guy has his "light bulb" moment, john can't have one along with him?
Then there's me, but at least i can answer my own questions.Like, why can't I dress like a woman everyday- with the perfume and make-up &hair done?(Because since we got married nothing pretty fits right, the things that fit right aren't pretty and I generally hated putting on make-up except for our dates.Now that we never go out, I don't have to put on the make-up.I will admit, I do miss buying a new outfit every Friday.Funny, I have more money now then I did single, yet I never have enough to spend frivolously!
Why can't I just be happy with my hubby, without the ring and flowers and romance?(Because I could only be with him once a week and since my mom's husband hated him for no reason, our whole being together in itself was romantic and forbidden.)Why am I never happy?(Because i finally have everything I ever really wanted as a little girl-a gorgeous husband who says I love you 15 times a day-stop laughing Crystal!-,my angelic baby girl(sort of the little sister I never had but always wanted !)and everything that goes along with marriage- the love ,the fights, and the passion.
I guess Willy wonka was wrong...."Rememeber what happened to the boy who suddenly got everything he wanted?He lived happily ever after."Nice theory, but when that happens, you have nothing left to strive for or want.Your goals are all met and discontentment sets in.I guess thats why millionaires are so hollow.They've met all their deep goals,acquired everything the human heart can covet and there's nothing left to shoot for except the shallow dreams that come one day and have to be upgraded the,clothes,status...significant(that's an oxymoron)others.
I don't want to be like that.I really don't.i want to be thankful and content.How do you make yourself so?How do you determine you will be content in all things when you really generally aren't and want it fixed ASAP?And your way, might I add.It's sad.When I get like this, I feel justified.When I read it like this, I  want to slap myself.I'm really not as bratty as I come across.Or maybe I am.Maybe I need prayer.Maybe I need to lose a few things-God forbid not my baby or my husband or my life.
Hmm, I guess when you get down to that point, you realize exactly what does matter in your life.Notice I never mentioned my ring, or my flowers, or my materialistic anythings....I need my Lord and I need my family.They need me, and that's all that matters.

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