Getting on my pc is becoming such a hassle anymore.I never know if or when it's gonna shut down or if and when I can even get on.
This week has been so hard for me.The urge to have another baby is so strong it's deafening.I sat John down and seriously tried to tell him how I feel- how everyone around me is either pregnant,having a baby, had a baby or has the support of others to have a baby;how my little girl is just that, and not a baby anymore.She's growing up too fast and I'm holding on to her past in my mind with everything in me.My heart aches and I want to make love to my husband in God's sight and create another little life.Sierra is obsessed with babies and baby dolls- there is one in particular we call Anna.She carries that doll everywhere- to the beach, the potty around the yard and on errands.
I tell him how I feel he's being stubborn and cold and controlling- not at all the man I fell in love with and wed.I have nearly begged him to lay with me and help me have another child.If I could do this alone I would and wouldn't bother him.But he won't budge.He wants to wait.
He thinks I'm being silly or overdramatic or too deep...maybe even just as stubborn as he.The way I see it,what I want so desperately is Biblical and natural and good.What he wants is hurtful and abusive.We'll be together, he'll finish the way he wants to and I cry.God do I cry.All he ever has to say is either,"I love you" or ,"You gonna be alright"?
Some days I don't wanna be married to him anymore and really hate him.Other days I think there's something wrong with me.All I can do is keep praying and keep being strong.I'll never quit.He'll either give in early or we'll fight till he's ready.Either way, I'll win this one.