Sunday, August 7, 2011

Tuesday January 4, 2005

First off, Happy New Year Everyone!
The past couple weeks have been total chaos for me, but I'll try to be brief(yeah, like that'll happen!)
I have been attacked on all sides everyday with almost non-stop constance for a week.Sierra still had an ear infection, the Dr., receptionist claimed I owed almost $700 in unpaid bills(not true),drove to 4 pharmacies to find her medicine(sierra's),got yelled at by 2 pharmacists, insulted by 1,embarrassed by one to talk to but God when I needed to hear a voice and have a hug the most,my mother in law telling my mom (who came to visit for a week) and John both that I nasically suck as a housewife,I'm a lazy slob and I need to get off my A*# and get a job and stop wasting my life (her words),she's even threatned to use John's inheritance to re-do the whole house because she thinks we trashed it just because she popped over on a night I wasn't home using the ruse of dropping off Christmas gifts to my mom and brother in order to inspect the place,I've had several fights with my husband over having another baby, found my best friend is now pregnant(very happy for her, but at the same time feel like I've been slapped in the face by God),literally surrounded by pregnancies and newborns-cousin also just found out she's pregnant.....At this point I need to stop and just say, I know I sound like a total spoiled brat and probably the worst family member and friend on earth- but I am human too.I have never yelled at God before but I did when all this came to a head.i just don't see how God could allow me to hurt so much.Everyone keeps telling me to be patient and wait,trust in God and my husband, lay off John, pray...but it's not that easy for me.It's so easy to say that as your rocking your snoring newborn or trying to hold down your breakfast.
But from the perspective of someone who has been craving, literally craving to hold that warm, sweet scented little body wrapped in the softest fleece blankie close to my heart for 13 months now, it's extremely painful.It's like I'm the butt of some cosmic joke.It's almost funny, and some days I do actually laugh because it's just that crazy...but then I begin to cry and John holds me and says the same old crap he always does..."It's not like you can't conceive, we're just waiting." First off, it'd be easier if I couldn't conceive because then I'd know it's out of my hands-something we have no control over and can't fix.But I can conceive and WE are not waiting-he is waiting and I'm slowly dying inside.
i know this seems way dramatic, but think of Hannah.She was on her knees crying out to God so fervently yet so quiet within herself,Eli thought she was hammered.No one knows how I feel.No one can grasp what it feels like- to be able to do something you want so badly(spirtually,physically and emotionally), to have the means sitting right there next to you and be refused.I don't understand how he can be so mean,so ...I don't know what.How can you honestly ever look your spouse in the eye and tell them you won't do something for them when it means so much.
I did it for him, and now I forever hear about how Sierra wasn't planned.You can't begin to understand my fear of pills(from growing up around friends and family who get addicted so easily and pay the price for it.)Yet when we were married John said I had to take the Pill or know.i was scared to death, just like he is now.i fought with him, like we do now.But I gave in because I loved him and wanted him to be happy and happy with me- and I cried just about everytime a swallowed that evil little pill.Unfortuneatly, the Pill made me nuts to the point where NO ONE could stand me and everyone was afraid of me so I put my foot down and said no more.A few weeks later Sierra was on  the way.
Anyway, Sierra is so smart and growing so fast, and I'd be ok with waiting a little while longer if I could just get back a few things that have disappeared as a result of her becoming older;i miss being able to sit for stretches of time under our tree in the warm spring air or on the dunes down at the beach with her snuggled close to my heart, snoring contentedly.I used breathe in the scent of her hair-lavender and raspberry, watch her little lips purse and move as if she were still nursing, tickle her chubby little monkey toes and watch them fan out.I miss the way I used to cradle her in my arms everywhere I went- I almost never put her down and hated  when anyone else held her because that was time I was losing with her.
I even miss the undoubted way she puke projectile vomit after every  1-2 hour marathon nursing session.It was melted marshmellow in consistency and smelled awful, but it never ever bothered me.I couldn't be prouder to don an elmo spit up rag on the right shoulder.I loved my baby.i'm in love with my daughter.But she isn't like that now.
i spend most days repeating the words"No","stop" and "SIERRA!!" , My back is sore and my neck is strained from caring her on my shoulders when she fights to wiggle free from my hip hug.I'm constantly cleaning up spills,stains and crumbs.When she goes down for a nap, i pray she'll give me just an hour to sit or eat lunch-which I never do cause I have an inability to relax- so I continue cleaning,planning for the next day or preparing dinner.By the time 7pm comes I'm counting down till I think she'll start showing signs of being tired and ready for bed.john has me work out after dinner at 9 or 10 pm for a little over an hour since I'm trying to lose wieght(11 lbs. to date!), I watch a little tv finally around midnight and pass out around 1am and pray in my dreams she'll sleep till at least 7am and..dare I think it?That John will get up and tend to her when she screams "Done!" over the moniter.
I miss her being little and snuggling with her and falling asleep with my baby.

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