Sunday, August 7, 2011

Sunday September 12, 2004

I am such a hypocrite.I was sitting in church listening to Pastor Larry preach about how when you accept Jesus into your Life, you accept him as Lord of your whole life- not just when things are bad and you need a fairy God-father or when things are going well for you and you need to sound "saved" saying God's blessing you.
God isn't there to take a backseat while you drive the car of your life till you screw up and need him to be your navigational system.He is Lord of all- your good,bad and ugly days.He is there to go to as Father when you need help and comfort and protection; or there as a friend to rejoice with and in when your blessings are overflowing.
But I say I'm a hypocrite because I don't remember exactly what he said at the moment I came to my harsh conclusion about myself, but I was thinking how I'm always ( what I thought was encouraging) my husband to do more "Christiany" things.-Ah, I remember now.
He was saying how backsliding doesn't just one day hit us as an idea to hurt God.It creeps in over time as laziness sets in and becomes routine- forgetting a prayer here and there, too tired to read the Word husband says he's saved.I want to believe that.I mean I did when I married him.But over time i began to doubt.I mean, he's no cheating -lying criminal- alcoholic wife beater or anything.But he does take recreation in things I was brought to view as unholy- enjoying violent or horror filled gore fest movies, the same adjectives depict his choice in video games if not athletically depicted.Given the choice to go to church or do something else, I truly believe without any influence from me or guilt because I require Sierra to learn the importance of church, he would almost always choose something else- although in his defense he did faithfully attend his old church before he met me, even though he never enjoyed it(?)
But since we wed,I've been pointing out all the areas he needs to improve in-and not jut spiritually either.I find myself harping on his not spending enough real quality time w/ Sierra on his days off.I pick out his messiness and hygenic faults.
But in all honesty, he is a wonderful man.i realize this every day he heads off to work faithfully instead of to the mall or pool hall or wherever else guys in their early 20's hang out to kill the day.He loathes smoking and drugs, and never drinks.He catches himself in anger before he swears and his patience is like I've never seen in a human being alive before.He has taught me what longsuffering really looks like.
i am a hypocrite because i never judge myself the way I judge him.Pastor said that in the presence of the Lord, there is fullness of joy.Err go, where His presence is not, there is a lack of joy.We are taught that GOd is always there and we are the ones who stray away.i believe this wholeheartedly."I will never leave you nor forsake you."But are we only in his presnce when we are in His will.If so, then when we sin and are seperated from GOd, yes we stray, but doesn't that mean his presence has left us too?God is no doormat.
Becasue of this thinking, I believe that is why I am so down all the time.True, Sierra brings me so much happiness.Especially since I had the honor of watching her learn to walk!And I enjoy sunsets, and birds singing and cool breezes on overcast days.But I am never really happy.i often find myself missing John, then being fed up over his messiness when he's home.I want desperately to spend fun quality time with him on his days off, but there's never anything fun to do(or cash to do it).I waited so long for my little girl, and now I desire another baby so badly it consumes  me.i want a son.I want twins.Maybe another girl, i don't care.
My mother is leaving and it kills me.i want her to stay, but when she visits, I'm so angry at her for leaving I want her to go and stay gone.I hate that she's made herself such a part of Sierra's life from the moment my EPT turned that sacred double pink, just to leave to Heaven knows where.And I'll be left with a baby girl, barely a child-with a broken spirit and an aching heart.How will I communicate what is going on to her?
You see, I'm never really truly deep-down-in-my-heart joyful.I need things and events and circumstances to all be right for joy to be evident in me, and I hate that.I want to glow and to enter a room and people just feel Jesus dripping off me like honey .I need to get back in His presence, and get serious.I thought I was, but I guess I was wrong.I know all the facts-i have the head knowledge.That comes from getting saved at 5 and spending 13 years in a chrisitian school and my whole Life in church.NOw I need the heart knowledge.No,I don't need anymore knowledge.I'm smart enough.i need faith- crazy blind scary faith and the joy that comes with feeling and knowing God.i wanna be like David and dance again.

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