Tuesday August 22, 2006

I'm still in that weird place but I can see the blue sky beyond the scary dark  one.

I decided that the next time someone asked me what was wrong I'd honestly answer to the best of my ability.That way,i could see a) if they really cared or b)that telling them would be the easier way to get them to never ask what's wrong again.

Well, my victim was John.He asked asked and I think I sort of freaked him out when I gave him an answer w/out the usual 3 or 4 "Nothing"-s.

i told him I can't help wanting another baby but I know everyone's anti-baby attitude aside I can see for myself it's not a good time now-unless God does a work.I told him I don't feel safe and secure anymore.There are SO many open ended what-if's and maybe's to our life.If feels like there is no security and no safe place anymore.Where are we gonna be next year?Why can't we move?Does he realize we can't stay?We need to get rid of our cell phones because we an't afford them but we can't afford not to have them too....Does he realize we have a -$142 balance in our checking and $5 in our saving?Don't you care?

I told him it seems like he never want to discuss theses things with me and that leaves us with him going to work,earning a paycheck then coming home to tv and his video games while I worry and organize and plan and schedule and research all the ins and outs of our troubles.He told me his not talking is basically a sign that he's going thru just as much mental turmoil as me with the added bonus that he's the sole provider and feels like a failure.His silence is his calm before the storm.If he doesn't talk about it he doesn't have to make it as obvious as it is.And my tazmanian devil type trying to fix it all all at once makes him that much more"AAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

So we talked.Til 3am we talked and cried and prayed and weird enough there was even laughing.We don't know what we're doing though we'd like to get doing SOMETHING.As of today we have no money(I rolled change to go buy juice and butter),we're losing our cell phones next month(so I can't call my mom anymore or talk to him on his break or have a sense of security should our one car break down and one of us is alone on the side of the road-I would be alone with a 3 year old and 10 month old) and should his family move next month they'd sell the house we're in and we'd be homeless.

But Jesus had no money,no home and no way to contact family when he missed them.He had no car and barely had friends.The friends he did have couldn't even be there for him when He needed them the most.All he had was His Father.Right now, that's good enough for me.