Sunday October 31, 2004

Someone must be praying for me.

Ever get that feeling- the one where you feel like you're at the end of your rope all day, and then you feel like you're soaring on gossamer wings?I've had that day- and I know it's because I did some praying of my own.

I have to admit that I don't pray like I should when I should.I pray before bed and dinner with Sierra and I pray here and there when things go wrong, or I just can't take it aymore(quite a oft feeling.)But today in church,Pastor Phil- our youth and assistant pastor-only preached for 20 minutes on the difference between Martha and Mary;how Martha(me) got so wrapped up in the prepartion and details of the Lord's visit she never got a chance to sit and listen to Him like Mary did.She even had the nerve to order Him to make Mary help her, but he instead rebuked Martha for not being humble and obedient.

We then took the rest of the service to pray-really pray like we never have before...or at least not like we haven't in a very long while.I went up to kneel before the lighted wall cross and just let go...something that again I don't do often enough but can really do when I do!I just cried.That's me-I'm the crier...kinda of your Mary Magdalene, I guess.I hold so much in all the time, and let so much more out the wrong way, that by the time I finally collapse in front of Jesus I'm a weepy stressed out,worn out frazzled mess.Something Pastor Phil said really hit home with me too:"God didn't create us to be workers, but worshippers."

Funny, because I feel like a worker at heart.Anyone who knows me-or even briefly met me- can tell I don't know how to relax.I can sure complain about never getting the chance to relax, but relaxing itsle seems wasteful to me when there are so many things to be done in a day.Even if there aren't, there are preparations to be organized for the following days and weeks and months...so what if tomorrow isn't promised?We can at least be prepared in case it does come, right?

I could never be God...again funny cause looking over my past 12 years you'd think I'm trying really hard to be.I need to be in control or at least co-controller so that I'm not pushed out of my safe zone.I'm scared of chaos and disorganization.I have a routine that needs to be adhered to daily, even when it doesn't seem like it is.There is a method to my madness.

But back to me on my knees at the cross.I broke routine.I let go and let God.I began to cry out to God like I haven't in years.I was completely honest with Him, knowing that He knows my heart and true intentions.I told Him how I want to be the little girl that used to dance in the aisles of that same church- oblivious to the world around me- soaring on the gloriousness of true praise and worship.That was one of the last times I can remember being truly happy- not because anything was happening or I had anything physical to look forward to later- but because I had true Joy.

I cried that I didn't want to worry anymore about my mother and her situation,I didn't want to spazz out if the house is destroyed( cleaning it with Sierra awake is like running on a hamster wheel-a whole lot of work with no  true point to it.)I didn't want to think about how badly I wanted a real home of our very own...something that seems like it will never happen.I wanted to stop thinking about how badly I want to have another baby, how every woman I see is pregnant and how though my time of waiting will be up eventually, it will never seem like a good time to conceive.I wanted to stop wanting all the gorgeous diamond rings that every married woman I come into contact with seems to be blinding me with- regardless of size.I had one that was the envy of many, but it wasn't what it seemed.

I took every need and selfish want out of my heart and shamefully placed them before God in a heap.I envisioned myself stepping back wearily, looking up at the Lord in guilt and saying," I want to trade all this for my joy again."i told God how I know I've prayed some version of this exact prayer before, but although it never seems to stick long enough with me...i wholeheartedly mean it at the time.

I guarenteed Him that tomorrow I will stress over something again, I will long for my own diamond again, I will be dutifully searching affordably pleasant homes again- but for Today I will step out of my zone.I won't zap into cleaning mode- mindlessly picking up toys and crumbs and clothes.I won't ignore my daughter to replace her with the ever growing stress migraine I daily get.I'll clean dishes- but only out of neccessity for flatware,I would not turn down my husband's offers of lending a hand because in my mind He's God almighty and I am to slave away for him to be happy with me, and most importantly- I would be relaxed and enjoy the 1 day out of 7  specificly designated for resting.

I'll be honest- sometimes relaxing seems like more work than working, but I'll tell you one thing- my sleep will be sweeter tonight and 9 and a half hours from praying this- I have no migraine!