Sunday November 21, 2004

I have been very scared lately.Our bank account is at $277, and yet I tithed and wrote 2 checks that are owed this week.We also have 2 phone bills coming up,our food bill for the coming week, a vet appointment,gas for 2 cars...the list goes on.

I thank God for people like Crystal.She blessed our family the other day with 2 bags of food.I had called specifically for prayer because, even though I know God hears all the prayers of righteous men and women, Crystal has this special and beautiful connection with the Lord.

Instead of just agreeing to pray going about her day as most of us do, she turned words of encouragement into actions of love.She even offered to watch Sierra while I go against everything I believe in and try to find a part time job to help out a little financially.I appreciate her more than she'll ever know.

It's funny.Just the other day I mentioned that maybe I needed to lose something to understand what was most dear and important to me.Well, i have.I lost my financial security,my sleep at night(I've  been having panic attacks at night to the point of gasping for air in my light sleep), some of my faith and courage....need I go one?2 years ago I would've had my Christmas shopping done,wrapped and hiding in the closet by mid-November.

This year I'm praying we have food on Cristmas.I'd love to be able to go shopping for my family members, and buy my little girl a few special gifts.my MIL will undoubtedly spoil her rotten because whether she'll admit it or not, she's loaded.My mom may or may not even be in state...i just feel like I'm always coming off poor or cheap.Now I really am.I pray in faith that God will provide for our family's needs- but I feel guilty asking for money to spend" frivolously" on gifts.

John's grandmom was goping to get me a dishwasher- something I've wanted and prayed for for a year now.Today we told her nevermind, that if she wants to get us a gift, the monetary value of the washer would be better at this time.

I want to cry.Please keep us all in your prayers, if you don't mind.