Saturday October 21, 2006

I really can't take it anymore.I don't know what's wrong with me.I dunno if it's pre-partum depression, my constant environment of being completely isolated with my kids,a chemical imbalance caused by the prgnancy or the lack of sleep I'm getting(or not getting I should say)----but I really can't take it anymore.

I couldn't remember the last time I was with my husband..and knew him....biblically I mean.My memory is so shot anymore, it might have been the day before yesterday- but it scared me that I couldn't remember (I never want him to feel neglected or unloved)so as tired as I was(and I mean tired- to the point of tears tired)i stayed up late to be with him.i finally crashed around 1 or 2 am and woke up at 6:15am to Brianna screaming.I'm not used to getting up that early or to john not being the one to get up first and care for the kids so i can get some extra z's.Well, she never went back to sleep and then Sierra came in at 7:30 to wake john up.After we all got up, I felt so sluggish I could barely walk or think, so I tried to go back to bed for a couple hours.

Nothing doing.

i woke up again to Brianna banging her toy teapot on the heater and when I asked Sierra to please take it from her she said,"I can't.i'm busy.You do it."I could have screamed at the top of my lungs  I was fed up and angery, so instead I got up and yelled at john.Why? Cause he knows how I'm suffering,and how I get so depressed when i see the sun anymore; I just burst into tears.And what's he doing?Laundry?The dishes?Straightening the Livingroom?Occupying the children?NO!!!

He's playing his stupid PS2!!!He had the nerve to put the girls in the room with me so he could play!!!I was so hot I left.I got dressed and took Brianna to Shoprite to do some food shopping.I didn't want to be home, I didn't want to talk to anyone.i just wanted to leave and fume.The only reason i took Brianna is because she was crying so loud for me I felt guilty just walking out the door.

I hate feeling guilty.My feelings and emotions are SO justified and I still feel this immense guilt asking for help , then anger when he just doesn't help without me asking.there have been days I've begged him to stay home from work cause I'm so sick of being alone.He always rationalizes that I'm not being rational and he appreciates that I love him but he has to be responsible.So i cry.

When I came home, he took the car and left for work.I never got to apologize because I wasn't even thinking about it till he left.And I cried.All I do is cry.I try never to let Sierra see me cry, so I lock myslef in the bathroom and just sob.She's figured out how to unlock the door from the outside.She'll ask me why I'm crying...What am I supposed to say? I just say:I miss Daddy.

So I have 3 main feelings-anger,sadness and lethargy.I don't wanna be like this anymore.I don't.JESUS!!!!TAKE THIS FROM ME!!GOD PLEASE!MAKE ME NORMAL AGAIN!!!I don't want to be alone anymore.

I think I'll go for a walk with the girls.

Passage Psalm 42:3:
      ³My tears have been my food day and night,
         While they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"