Monday November 29, 2004

When I first logged onto this, I was fully prepared to rant and rave and cry about the absolute whores that are portrayed as normal desirable women on tv.In case you can't tell, I have serious self-esteem issues.My issues are, I have no self-esteem.And here I go on my rant-

I'm watching Tv with hubby and we end up watching wrestling- of course it goes from great physical displays of violence to cheap taudry women.4 or 5 get up there and are supposed to be entered in a lingerie competition, but, oops...they don't have any lingerie to compete in.So what do we in a tight fix like this?We strip them down to their bras and barely there underwear!Shock of all shocks they are gorgeously anorexic and dancing around , parading like trained monkies for the scores of drunk horny guys with no life and no morals.

Then I accidently hit Crystal's website and see her in her wedding gown with Scott and they are kissing and holding each other and exuding such love and romance and holiness and purity.Almost instaneously(notice I said almost) my hurt and embarrassment in my own frumpy dumpy maternal body waned a bit and I remembered who I am- like my mother always told me to do growing up.She'd always say,"Maria, remember who you are.You are the head and not the tail.You are heavenly royalty- a child of the King.Your prayers avail much and your efforts will be crowned with success."

I still don't completely feel like royalty or the head.In fact I feel more like a heiffer's behind.But apparently I'm not and I am beautiful and desirable and my husband loves me.Or so he and Crystal keep reminding me.But if that's true, then why does he leave stuff like that on when I'm right there?Or better yet, why does he even watch it?I know he probably doesn't get anything out of it, at least not immediately and definitely not with me there.But I am his wife and I not only see what he's seeing, I see his beautiful eyes that are only supposed to look at me and they are darting up and down ( whether he knows it or not)evidently scoping every heaving breast and every jiggly rear end barely decorated in red or black lace.

I don't think I'll ever love myself.I know I never felt as loved as I did when I was pregnant- but even that was tainted for personal marital issues.Long story.Then there's being swollen with life and watching these man puppets perform.I dunno.Now I'm rambling.

Maybe someday I'll be able to exersise and starve myself  into being able to wear something that trashy if I so desire, but I doubt it.I don't wanna be trashy.I just want to be able to hear what my best friend and husband tell me and KNOW beyond any doubt that they are right, that they are truthful...and not just being kind.