Wednesday January 31, 2007

Is it possible to have morning sickness for 2 months, have it go away for 4 then come back worse than ever?If so, that's what I have.The past few nights I keep waking up at 3am on the dot with this horrific pain right below my sternum that doesn't go away.It makes me break out in a clammy sweat,heart racing,stomach cramping,head pounding and leaves me practicing the lamaze breathing I never get to use in childbirth.I'm struck with hours of unnaturally easy...um, intestinal products( shall we say) and finally, to top it all off I'm literally thrown to my knees in front of the toilet and heaving for dear life, whether I have anything to produce or not.

I'm so exhausted by morning john can't wake me up so he's been tending to the girls while I'll be unconsious until 10 or 11 am.Then I'm up and fine like the past night never happened.Today i spent a few hours seperating the kids clothes by age and season so i know what they can wear now and what I'll be hanging  up in the new house come spring and summer.i had my own little praisefest going-the girls were helping me(Brianna handed things to Sierra,Sierra folded them and handed them to me to hang up or put away in boxes) and i had my old Rebecca St. james CD GOD blaring.It was wonderful!

Now i'm just multitasking: doing some blogging, listening to my music,reading email, working on my registries at Walmart and Bed bath and Beyond.

Tuesday January 30, 2007

Ya ever have that feeling when you haven't taken a hot shower in a couple days or your muscless are throbbing sore and you finally step into a hot massaging shower?That feeling of the water beating on your head and shoulders and back and the hot warmth that envelopes you? .....

My kids have been asleep for over an hour and except for the Tv droning on, it's quiet.I'm having that hot shower feeling.

Tuesday January 30, 2007

I had a really nice past couple days with john.The girls of course had their moments when they were either really good or trying our very last nerves, but I think we handled it pretty well.I was especially impressed with John-he never lost his temper, was very patient and seemed to be so strong and positive when we went to tell his family about our plans to buy a house in WV instead of rent and they basically shot every negative comment,question and attitude towards him.Their ignorance towards him and favoritism toward his brother never cease to amaze and anger me.

i mean, John really tries in everything he does.He's a faithful hard worker,doesn't accept lame excuses to miss a day of work,tithes,prays, saves and  generally enjoys spending time with the kids and me.You can see for the longest time all he wanted was peace between me and his mom and his parents support and approval with the decisions he's made in his life...but he never gets it.Glimpses here and there but they are few and far between.

Now, he's come to the realization it might never be that way. For some reason his mother will always be suspicious,resentful and miserable, his dad will always be passive and indifferent and his grandmother will never be able to make up her mind and keep her word when she gives it.And, his brother will always be the slacking favorite for some reason.My theory?Even though neither of her sons have done exactly what she's planned for their lives, Jamie is the one who still is there to be babied and dependent on her, giving her some sick sense of purpose.John has grown up,taken responsibility for his and our life and has become a successful man despite doing things the complete opposite of how his mom planned it to go.Jamie's plan for adulthood? To become a street magician.

Stop laughing, I'm serious.

And what's more is although he went to Europe for 2 weeks for his senior trip, he's paying over $2G to go again this year with the new seniors.Don't ask me how or why, but all i know is I'm pretty sure his mom didn't make him feel like he was being put on trial when he asked for the money(despite the fact they are all supposed to be moving in the next couple months,his dad is trying to afford to make expensive home improvements to sell the house, and 3 out 4 family members are dying from one thing or another and his family is supposedly so broke.)yet that's exactly what they did to john when all he wanted to ask was see if they'd agree to be co-signers should we need someone else's signature to buy the house.they pegged all the "where you gonna work?", "How do you expect to pay...", "Your aunt says there are no jobs down there..." type questions at him...all questions regarding money or putting down our ability to keep them from picking up the slack for us should we fail to pay something...I dunno.It just really ticks me off, then they had the nerve to start in on my family."What if your dad doesn't use his discount to let you get the house you want on his lot?" "How do you know your mom is gonna give you half the land once it's paid off?" "Is it gonna be in your name?" "Is it all legit?"

Ok, my family may be screwed up but they aren't liars and thieves.that's you guys.

I give up, I really do.I don't want anything to do with these people anymore.I don't want my children to have anything to do with them.They didn't want them before they were here, they kiss a relationship with them now goodbye.

They bring so much grief into our lives and they're about nothing but money, so as far as I'm concerned (as horrible as this sounds)that is all they are to me from now on.I've tried to be friendly and I've tried to be family.Now, they can go jump in a lake and as far as I'm concerned ; they are only good for the 1 thing they care about- money.they are the rich mean grandparents that I look forward to getting away from and waiting on to hear there is a possibility of something for the kids from them in the wills.I have had it.

Friday January 26, 2007

You know, there are days when it's so loud and chaotic here I can't stand to be here.I get debilitating stress pain in my shoulders and neck that works it way up into full blown migraines where I'm fighting not to throw up-which would only intensify the migraine and continue the cycle.I get no breaks or naps from 11:30am til 8:30pm, I have no friends or family that stop by and visit just to remind me there is life beyond these paneled walls.I'd give anything to be able to drop my girls off to someone's house-anybody's house- guilt and worry free.And then I get a second to check the news that comes to my email, and I'm reminded why I am here and how I'm justified in my paranoia.

I'll spare you the graphic details.If you wanna read the heartwrenching story yourself, you can here: http://www.nbc10.com/news/10844850/detail.html?treets=phi&tid=2657450635813&tml=phi_12pm&tmi=phi_12pm_1_10550301262007&ts=H

Suffice it to say at least 12 children were sexually abused-including an infant as young as 3 months old- over a period of 10 years.And here's the clincher: some neighbors were not only  NOT shocked, but suspected it!So call me goofy, but WHY IN THE BLUE .... DIDN'T SOMEONE DO SOMETHING??!!!NOTHING sets me off faster than people either abusing children or knowing about it and doing nothing. I was emotionally abused for years, if not mentally as well, and those who knew did nothing and those who didn't know suspected nothing.I praise God for forgiveness and healing; I can't imagine sexual abuse and what these precious babies went through and are dealing with now because no one cared.My heart is breaking.Absolutely breaking.

Right now, Sierra is dressed up as Cinderella and spinning in circles with a diaper-only Brianna to the tune of "Patty CakePatty cake".I think I'll join them, holding extra tight to their little hands.

Thursday January 25, 2007

I.    NEED.     SLEEP.

Even though John and I have both been working very hard to research homes in West Virginia, I have to pat my own back (and rub my own temples) for the tireless effort that I'm trying so hard to put forth.It may seem neglectful to the house, but I have spent the hours of 10am-1am the next day since Tuesday searching,researching,contacting agents, doing the math and making notes.I break only to cook meals,grab the mail, change diapers and lay Brianna down for her nap.i even have Sierra helping me pick out homes online-she likes the ones with virtual tours.

I'm trying so hard to make this a fun adventure she'll want to look forward to instead of fearing.Now if i could only explain to her the house won't be lonely when we leave because we're giving it to a nice family who doesn't have a home of their own.I  wish that were true, but in resort town NJ, most likely  it'll be some fat old rich couple buying their 2nd or 3rd vacation home for some insane price.

{SIGH}

Wednesday January 24, 2007

2 Things changed this week:
1)We were gonna wait to tell the inlaws about Johnathan Jayden, but it's been to hard on John.You can see he wants to tell his family although we never hear a good thing from them.Well, we did on Sunday.He told his dad by saying, "Guess what"?
"Ri's pregnant."....yup.
Then he told his mom who only had to say,"When it due?". He told her, "It's a boy due in May "and she said, "How do you know"?
"Ri's 6 months along".......Nothing.
Then he told his brother- the emotional zombie.When he didn't say anything john's like, "well"?
"What do you want me to say?"
"Most normal people say, 'Congratulations'".
"Oh, Congrats then."
Whatever.
Of course his grandmother called around 10pm with all her"worries and concerns"..aka guilt, fear seeds and ranting ramblings.She did his best to shut her up but I was hot and tried to take the phone, but he wouldn't let me.I'm madder at her because i actually tried to have a heart to heart w/ her about how i feel with the way his family responds to our baby news and she was all sensitive and caring and sorry.Crap.That's what it all was-pure crap.

2)We planned on renting when we got to WV, but we're thinking about trying to buy a place until the land gets paid off and then we can sell the old house to pay for the new house...or some variation thereof.I dunno.My head hurts, but I'm trying to stay positive.I wish John was here now.I don't feel like being alone right now.Must be a hormonal surge.

Tuesday January 23, 2007

Thank you Jesus, I'm back online!

I've been separated from the rest of the world for almost 3 weeks I think.So much has been going on- I have so much to catch up on.But first things first-always the good news first.

We had another ultrasound 2 weeks ago on Monday and we discovered we're having a son!!!This is major because having a son on both sides of our  family is very hard.For some reason john and I are genetically programmed to have all girls, but our firstborn son(Johnathan Jayden- no,not J.J. or Jr.) will be here sometime near the 24th of May!

John put in for his time off today and we'll be taking 10 days near the end of February into March to go down to WV and look for a home to rent.

My mom's sentencing was on the 19th of January at 1:30pm.I couldn't sleep the night before and prayed all day long with her on mind.When she finally called i was a nervous wreck and ended up a total mess in tears.All  the sweet letters that were written on behalf of my mom brought her lawyer to tears and they and the Lord-nothing else but God- touched the judge because after a half hour or so he sentenced her to pay fines and court costs in the amount of $350!!!We were going for probation with fears that the costs and fees would break her, but this is SO much better!Praise GOD!!!!

Now, going through my own trials....

I've been stressing a lot because we really really  need a new car-a minivan or hybrid SUV in a perfect world-to accommodate our new family.We absolutely can't afford one straight out (unless God blesses us with the funds out of the clear blue sky), and financing or taking a bank loan isn't an option because moving to WV pay is lower(due to cheaper living conditions than NJ) and we could never repay a NJ debt on a WV income.So we're stuck and I'm stressed.

On top of everything else,I've been battling with Advanced Anesthesia since July or August.In a nutshell, they want $2300 for my C-section for Brianna.I dunno whether they are jerking me around or not, but they needed my insurance info which I gave 3 times and they claim the insurance has never heard of me.The insurance has said the claim was never processed in time but that they would take care of it once I collected the info needed from the bill people.(Why I had to play middle man to 2 large companies, I'll never know.Haven't they ever heard of conference calls or speakerphone???)

Anyhoo, now I'm dealing with a collection agency and it's not my fault.Had I the money I'd have paid the thing as soon as it came, or at least paid the 25 % we owed first.But that's not how it goes supposedly- insurance goes first then we pay what's left.Somebody is jerking me around and I'm in no frame of mind or condition to be dealing with the stress like I have been for so long.Please keep me and this whole mess in your payers- that God's will be done and He fix this whole mess.

On lighter notes....

Brianna has been officially been introduced to the potty.Last week she sat on the infamous Cushy tushie seat on the potty and actually tinkled!! Later she wandered in there naked and peed in front of the potty- it broke my heart that she was so close, but I had no idea she was in there or I'd have put her on the potty!

She and I have been really close lately.She snuggles and kisses and hugs me so much-it's like she doesn't want anyone else.It's sweet and I really like it except when I am trying to do something that requires me to have my arms free.Plus I've been dealing with migraines and aches lately and it's hard to carry and hold her all the time- plus just as she was beginning to wean herself, she went back to it full force.My chest HURTS and I actually hate nursing her right now, but i do cause I can't say no.It's not her fault and she doesn't understand.

Sierra is a handful to say the least.Some days she is..so...um, SUCH a handful it's really hard to like her.I know that's the worse thing a mom can think of her kid but it's true.I'm completely isolated here and when my mom and john are at work and Crystal can't be reached I'm so lonely I could just die.Then take away my Internet and I had NOTHING to do but clean, pack and organize.My house was  immaculate but my patience was nil, my body was broken and my heart was too.I can't wait to be around people again, even if they are total strangers.I'll make friends if it kills me and i hear WV'ers aren't as ignorant as the "neighbors" I have here.They help you and talk to you like in the movies.All friendly and stuff.

Thank Jesus for this road trip coming up next month.We REALLY need it around here!